Whenever a new catalogue comes in to work, it’s always a good idea to take a look. Whether it be the maybe-racist Oriental Trading to the definitely hilarious Gaylord, there’s always something good to be found.
For example, I had no idea that a person, a normal citizen, could order the pieces for industrial speed bumps. You could build your own speed bump if you wanted. Or parking lot items. You know those long concrete bars that keep people from I guess running over other cars somehow? You can just buy those. You. Just some person.
In fact, when I first moved into my apartment, we got some pretty sweet law enforcement catalogues. The downside of a cop living at your place before you is a very creepy visit to the apartment before moving in. Empty rooms except for a flak jacket hanging in the closet and a stack of Soldier of Fortune magazines on the toilet tank. On the upside, all his police catalogues still came to the house.
I could not order one of those extending batons. Not without police credentials. From what I could tell, I COULD order tear gas canister launcher. This was really confusing to me. But we live in a world where guns are legal as fuck and brass knuckles aren’t, so what the fuck do I know.
Anyway, this week at work we got a Uline. What’s a Uline? Well, it’s mostly a collection of boxes. To buy. And in order to explain the different types of boxes, they take pictures of said boxes with different shit in them.
Let’s have a look.
Right off it’s like they’re being sneaky. We’ve got glasses. I could see shipping glasses. But then we’ve got a bald eagle head poking out of the other box. Imagine if you will, how his body would have to look. If his head is that size, how does his body even fit in there?
Artist’s Rendition:
Well that’s cute. Except why is the dog laying on the box that contains the mattress? Why would a dog even think to do that? And how come I’m the only one who sees this picture and thinks how annoying it is to move when you have a dog. This fucker, he can’t help, but the least he could do is not make things worse. I’m already sleeping on a twin mattress, MOVING a twin mattress to my new place. Maybe I’d be better off getting a queen-size mattress box, throwing some sheets on it and filling it with towels.
Okay, someone please explain to me how it could possibly work to ship a cinder block somewhere. These cost a dollar-sixty-nine. That fucking box has to cost more than that. And by the way, if for some reason I do ship a cinder block, can’t I just write the address straight on the block and ship it? Why put an object inside another object if the exterior object is weaker than the one it contains? It makes no sense.
Remember all those times you wanted a box that provided a nice, tight fit for your machetes?
Or, Jesus Christ, your unicycle?
I don’t mean to offend anyone. But is this a deity I should know? I know Buddha. He’s the chubby happy guy. I know Jesus. He’s the skinny guy. Haha, hey, surely by now someone has laughed about how America’s chosen deity is thin and Buddha is fat, yet Americans look a lot more like Buddha than…alright, never mind.
It’s hard to say without knowing what this thing is. But I’m pretty sure it’s either A) Racist or B) Going to melt someone’s face off once they say some certain words.
This one I’m slightly more sure is racist. And slightly less sure about whether or not it can melt faces.
Do adults still have trophies? I had two trophies as a kid. A soccer trophy which I got because every kid on the team got a trophy, even if they never once kicked a ball during competition and were very thankful for that. The other trophy I bought at a garage sale. It was for second place in a baseball tournament and it had a sliver baseball guy on the top.
How bad is your self-esteem if you buy a trophy at a garage sale? And even more, how bad is it if that trophy is for second place? If you’re going to lie about a sport you never even played, might as well go for it.
I think the only adult trophies are Oscars and Golden Globes and shit like that.
Ah, the snake eats its own tail. You could use these to ship out more Uline catalogues. Perfect.