It’s summer time, and a lot of people feel like this is a good reason to go around topless. Specifically, men think this. However, I am going to pose the theory that there are very few scenarios where wearing no shirt is acceptable human behavior.
Scenario: Jogging
This is a common offender. Because the sun is out, people think it’s okay to jog around shirtless. It’s not. Just because it’s officially summer does not mean people have suddenly taken an interest in a topless jogging man. In fact, it’s worse in the summer because the light quality means I can see you crystal clear. For the most part, though, it feels a little attention-seeking. And I’ve yet to see one pair of men’s nipples that made me say, “Yeah, that’s a good thing to just have out.”
Scenario: Mowing the lawn.
Idiot, you’re ten feet from your house, not crossing the goddamn Gobi desert. Also, wearing a light cotton t-shirt will save the sun from hitting your horrible skin and will also catch sweat and hold it against your body, lowering your temperature. And let me tell you, the cut-offs ain’t helping matters here.
Scenario: Mowing lawns professionally
Alright, in this case, I say go for it. You are making money by cutting weeds out of a wealthy person’s yard. There is very little in your life worth holding onto once the skin cancer develops.
Scenario: Playing beach volleyball
Are we not over this yet? Beach volleyball? Everyone tells me there are hot babes who do it, but you know what hot babes also do? Show up on EVERY goddamn google search I’ve ever made. I shit you not, google ANYTHING and there will be a hot babe three rows down or less. They are everywhere, so there’s no need for this silliness. Guys who play beach volleyball shirtless are guys who wear visors and listen to Sublime when they are driving with no one else in the car. Speaking of which…
Scenario: Driving in the car
Gross. All I can think about is your disgusting sweat soaking into the seats of your shitbox trans am. Shirts were invented for going outside, this is why they exist. And if I see you with that dumb hat with the flat brim, I will lose my mind. I’ll know you put on your shirt, did your hair, put on your hat, then took your hat off, pulled your shirt off, then put your hat back on, making sure it was perfectly swooping your hair. All of this so that we can marvel at your concave chest and tattoo of Koi.
Scenario: At the pool
Just stop going to the pool. What are you doing at the pool? There’s nothing here for you. The pool was where you went because you were 13 and couldn’t drive to anywhere better than a hole that someone filled up with a hose where they also sell Astro Pops. Grow up.
Scenario: On a bicycle
I see a Mexican guy ride past my apartment every single day in full jeans, cowboy boots, and a western button-up, tucked in. He’s fine. So are you.