Question: “Imagine you are taking someone that you know somewhat on a first date. What would you do?”
Friend’s Answer: “Well, since it would be a guy I was taking on a date, maybe a good hamburger place and some mini golf. Just something fun.”
Me: “Hmm…well, first things first, I would need to launder all my sheets and stuff. Not that I think anything is going to go down, but just in case. I would hate to be surprised by a sudden strong connection only to be stymied because my linens are crusted with dried sweat from motorcycle-based nightmares.
“After that I would have to make sure and take out my apartment trash. Right now I’m in the middle of the cycle where I have to throw out all my white t-shirts and get new ones because every single armpit is caked in dark yellow the color of old bruises. So there’s a big pile of those on top of the garbage cans.
“Next I would have to try and reduce the number of coffee cups rolling around the backseat of my car. An even three would be a respectable number and make it seem like I at least took care of this chore more than once every couple weeks.
“About then it would be time to address some personal hygiene issues that…”
You get the idea.