World of Warcraft by Daniel Lisi
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Here’s something I just found out: There are a bunch of books you can pick up in World of Warcraft.
Here’s something I just decided: Why don’t we look at some of them?
A Steamy Romance Novel: Forbidden Love
That’s the title(?) How about an excerpt?
Bony fingers worked effortlessly beneath his armor, unlatching his breastplate and exposing him to the cold air. “Don’t worry my sweet Marcus, that’s not a finishing move tonight… I’m just getting started.” He wrapped his arms around what remained of her waist, forcing an excited giggle as he nibbled at her neck vertebrae.
Ohhh, la la.
Now, you can only read a short portion of the book because the rest is “worn out from repeated readings.” Buddy, if you think a book gets worn out because someone read it too much, then you need a lesson in how books work and also how to use a book as a self-love aid.
Brazie’s Guide to Getting Good with Gnomish Girls
I guess this is The Game but for Gnomish girls. Is a Gnomish girl a gnome, or just a girl who believes in gnomism?
Brazie’s Handbook to Handling Human Hunnies
Ah, NOW we get to The Game. Within a game. The Game’s The Game.
Brazie’s Notes on Naughty Night Elves
Brazie is keeping himself very busy. I would really like if one of these books was like, “Eh, don’t bother. Naughty Night Elves seem cool and sexy, but they actually just want to eat your spinal fluid.”
Nat Pagle’s Guide to Extreme Anglin’
Now this one sounds like it could easily be a book in real life. I don’t know what the extreme part would be, but a Nat Pagle sounds like someone who knows something about fishing.
Priestly Preening: Be Like Your Betters
Priests actually do dress well. Do you know how hard it is to wear black pants and a black shirt and to have those two things be the same shade of black after washing them even once? It’s impossible. Also, I like how that collar gets them out of wearing a tie. That’s sneaky.
Crude Map
Oh. It’s just a poorly drawn map. Not like…never mind.
The Frostwolf Artichoke
This is where Azeroth’s fuckin’ Pablo Neruda gets all poetic about eating a wolf’s heart.
Diary of Weavil
This is not only hilariously named, but the entries are kinda great:
Dear Diary,
Today, my arch-enemy, Narain Soothfancy, attempted to deceive me by sending cronies to fill his spot at the execution. HIS execution. Can you believe it?
I had gone through all the trouble of devising this diabolical plan to lure him out of that damnable hut and he pulls this? Whatever… Too angry to keep writing. I’ll be back later.
Dear Diary,
I left my hide-out in a rage after my last entry. Boy was I angry. I decided to redesign my minions’ uniforms to better reflect my angst. I feel a little better but something is missing. I’ll be right back…
Dear Diary,
Ok, I’m good now. I beat one of my minions until he wept like a little girl.
Hrm… I feel sort of bad now. Wait a minute! Damnit, I’m an EVIL genius! Evil, you know? I’m so disappointed in myself. Be right back.
Dear Diary,
I gave him a hug and told him to keep up the good work. I feel better now. Keep that between you and me, diary.
Where was I? Oh yes, NARAIN! ARGH!!! I hate that guy. It was Narain, after all, that destroyed the curve on every exam back when we were students at the Gnomeregan Institute of Tinkering.
Fail me out of school, will they? As far as I’m concerned, Gnomeregan got what it deserved!
That’s all for today. Sleep tight, diary!