Top Secret! (Barbie Spy Squad) (Pictureback by Mary Man-Kong
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
Why does every bad guy power his super ray or his mega bomb or his evil plan with diamonds or some shit such? How is that a plan? If you invented a device that’s powered by diamonds, then it better be a device that converts those diamonds into bigger diamonds, because otherwise you just wasted your time.
Like this guy! Remember this guy?
The guy who is holding fancy diamonds because that’s how he powers, essentially, a refrigerator body suit?
I don’t know HOW that works, I don’t know WHY that works, and I can’t think of a single reason why a scientist would even begin pursuing the construction of a device that turns a highly-valuable resource (diamonds) into a far less valuable resource (energy).
To put it simply, how long would that fucking necklace pay your power bill? Like, forever? Steal the necklace, plug your suit into the wall, and watch some Netflix.
Anyway, this book is total garbage and bullshit. Basically, it’s someone at Mattel being all, “Let’s show Barbie in an empowering role!” so they put her in tech glasses and give her a motorcycle, and she kind of just moves from place to place until a mystery resolves itself. And she’s got two friends who do nothing except for the moment when they provide their bodies as literal stepping stones that allow Barbie to achieve a goal. “Hey, gang, I got an idea. Let’s use teamwork. Kneel down so I can step on your back!”
This book also features Barbie Classic, by which I mean thin Barbie. I guess Mattel put out some new Barbies with different body shapes, and I saw that as nothing but a naked attempt to be all, “Hey, now their clothes don’t fit each other, so you have to buy completely separate wardrobes and accessories for EACH doll!”
I’m sure it’s very different for women, but I’m just going to say right now that I had zero desire to play with an action figure that looked like my dad. Spindly with gross chest hair? No thanks. Actually, wait, they made those. They were Playmobile, and they sucked. Point proven. I’ll take my super-ripped Wolverine and Spider-Man, thanks.
And where’s ripped Barbie? Where’s hunchback Barbie? Where’s the Barbie that has a Barbie body with a shark head?
Where is the Barbie with light-up laser eyes? Where is the Barbie with web-shooting action? Where’s the action?
Not one fuckin’ grappling hook with these Barbies.