The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
My rating: 0 of 5 stars
Gorehounds rejoice! This is the one for you.
Let me break this down.
Tony is like your run-of-the-mill everyman. Kinda bored with life, he makes a foolish loan to a young upstart, Bassanio.
Now, Bassanio wants to hardcore bone this babe named Portia, which, I know, sounds like a stripper name, but back then it was classy. I think.
Bassanio has to pass a test, however, in order to marry Portia. Her dad is like this total sadist dick, and so he lays out three coffins. One gold, one silver, one lead, and Portia’s potential suitors have to pick the right one.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, it’s gotta be the lead one. Total ripoff of Indiana Jones, right?
Well, you’re 100% right, and I hope Spielberg sues the shit out of this guy.
Also, I don’t totally remember, but I think the gold casket has a mummy in it, and the silver one has wolfman, and if you pick wrong, you have to fight whoever is inside. The lead one is the right choice, and that just has a sort of proto-Dollman, who is really easy to kill, but you still have to fight him because Portia’s dad is crazeballs.
But then some financial shit gets fucked up, and Antonio has to cut off a pound of skin for a Jewish guy. Talk about a bris to remember!
I can’t remember all of how this works out, but I KNOW it involves Portia dressing like a dude, then I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of three-way, although it’s possible that Antonio and the Jewish guy 69 and the lady just watches. Like I said, can’t remember ALL the details.
Then everything is cool, I think Hitler marches in, and that’s the story of how World War II happened.