Swamp Thing, Vol. 1: Raise Them Bones by Scott Snyder
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book does a great thing that a lot of comics try, but few creators success in making it happen.
The reluctant hero. This book totally does it, and it also sticks it to these mother earth, beauty of nature people. Take that, hippies! The earth sucks too. Ugh, enough with telling me to look at the leaves because they’re different colors. I know, okay? Colors are great. Red, yellow. Green. Orange. Oh, how I wish garbage bags were see-thru so we could enjoy the fall leaves that much longer after I rake.
Does anyone else think it’s really, really weird to collect up all the leaves that fall off of trees and then put them in the trash? Like next to a pizza box? Just a bunch of organic matter, then also these old batteries? Where did the leaves go before we invented raking? I want to know. They must have gone somewhere. I don’t recall old-timey pictures where everyone was up to their goddamn eyes in old leaves.
Anyway, this book does the reluctant hero story, and you buy it. Which is tough.
Here’s the problem with the reluctant hero story. Or rather, the ways it doesn’t work:
Spider-Man: “I’d trade it all just to have Uncle Ben back.”
Okay, be that as it may, you don’t have that option. So maybe enjoy this shit a little bit? Enjoy that you can swing through NYC like it’s your personal jungle gym? Maybe take the occasional opportunity to land on a bus, look in the window and laugh at all the suckers, the scumlords, the true trash who ride on wheeled transport while you zip around town?
Superman: “The last son of a dead planet. Can I use my powers to help the people?”
Alright, it’d be a little annoying to hear everything all the time. I get pissed off because the cat meows all night and runs around like a goddamn loon. So imagine if you heard EVERYONE’S cat. That alone would be hell. On the other hand, you can fly to the moon and hang out just to do it. Maybe you can’t anymore since that 3 Doors Down song kind of fucked it up, but you can still get places without TSA getting involved. I swear that not all these involve the horrors of public transportation.
The Flash: Okay, this one is public transpo too. Last one. Self-explanatory.
John McClane: “I just want to celebrate Christmas like a normal guy, by taking the holiday as an opportunity to make one very bad attempt at reconciling with my wife, who has hated me, justifiably, for about 20 years now.”
I can see how he’d have a little PTSD. But he got to yell Yippee-Kay-Yay, Motherfucker! and after you do that, you don’t get to complain about life anymore. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Green Lantern: “It’s hard to be a space cop. SOOOOO much responsibility.”
Please. And where’s the issue where the Green Lantern makes a jackoff machine? How is there no GL jackoff machine? You’d think one day, someone would walk into a back room and find Kilowog in some crazy ass chair that just jacks him off, however the hell that’s accomplished.
Just as a side note, google “Kilowog naked” if you want to have some fun. My fun almost ended a few rows down when I saw Martian Manhunter, who is NOT Kilowog, however I saw he had a weird penis and 3 balls, which is sort of reminiscent of the 3 boobs lady from Total Recall, also a martian, which salvaged the entire thing for me and made me think that there’s some deep thought going into this fan art that I’ll never understand.
And once you’re scrolling through naked Kilowogs, review over.