Modelland by Tyra Banks
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
01/20/2016 Update:
Last Time: Dylan ran out of debate class because she was sad about being fat, and Guru MattJoe decided to end class.
The things that you have to write like they’re normal in order to review this book.
Here’s how MattJoe ends class:
“Class is allowed to, um, depart!” MattJoe announced. “I’ll see you soon, but now I have to go make a, uh, a special deposit, yep, yep”
[Reviewer’s note: This manner of speech is the one given to the speech and debate coach in Modelland. This is the ONLY character that uh’s and um’s and adds something like Yep Yep to the end of his sentences. The speech and debate coach is the only one. Whether this is by chance, the way I suspect so many character traits on this book were assigned via dartboard, or if it’s a 10,000 spoons irony, I do not know]
“Ew,” Chaste snickered. “I can only imagine what kind of DEPOSIT he’s talking about.”
I think, and maybe my mind is warped and awful, that the implication here is that MattJoe is ending class by announcing, in essence “I’m gonna go jerk off.” But I don’t know. I wish this was that book, where a teacher ended a class that way, but it’s not. But maybe it is. Sort of.
Or possibly he’s taking a dump? Maybe he’s ending class at the appropriate time, but feels the need to tell everyone he’s rushing off to shit? Again, I would love a book where a teacher said, “You know what? I have to shit, badly. So class dismissed.”
Anyway, class over, a small group of girls chase after Dylan, who is seen entering a giant plaid cube that’s balanced on one of its corners. The cube, it turns out, is CATWALK CORRIDOR!
Which is said with horror the way someone in a movie would say “THE HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES!”
By the way, awkward movie title. Everyone says “House of a thousand corpses”, but technically I think it’s “House of one-thousand corpses.” Which seems like an exacting number for a house of corpses. 850, 1023, who gives a shit? Once you’ve crossed a certain corpse threshold, just say “a thousand.” I’ll fill in the blank, no need to call it by the exact number or something like “House of Something In The Neighborhood of 1000 Corpses, Give or Take.”
Catwalk Corridor is a punishment place. Models who are…catty(!) are turned into actual cats, and they hang out in Catwalk Corridor, which can show up in any random spot and doesn’t seem to exist in geographic space.
The cats have painted claws, and they scratch the girls, critique their looks, and offer them drugs over and over for some reason. “Take one of these…you won’t sleep for days!”
A key sign that someone doesn’t know much about drugs is this: A story where a drug dealer is desperately trying to give away all of her drugs. There’s that classic story about how the first taste is free, but come on. They’re drugs. I can give them away to you or SELL them FOR MONEY to someone else. This is how drug dealers work. Think of it, I don’t know, like a business. Do drywallers do one wall of a house for free, leaving you wanting more? Fuck no.
In fact, I thought I’d look up whether Tyra has ever been involved in drug scandals. Her story? She has never used drugs, drank once when she was like 12, and is completely sober EXCEPT she will order wine in restaurants, not to drink, but to look sexy. She can’t stand the taste (http://www.askmen.com/celebs/entertai…)
Yes, nothing sexier than a lady sipping wine, holding back a face that looks like the one a baby makes when it eats a lemon wedge.
And again, this has been expressed like 1000 different ways in this review, but why is Tyra sex-essorizing herself? She’s a famous fucking supermodel. She’s outlasted all of her peers. Cindy Crawford. Kathy Ireland! Kathy Ireland had a line of clothes at KMart! But still, Tyra is like, “Gotta look sexy, better have a glass of wine on the table in front of me.”
Also, would have been relieved if Tyra’s answer to the drug question was “You know, not really into drugs, but there was a period when I was writing a book that I just dove in, head first, and I don’t even remember writing a single word of that book. I just went into a fugue and woke up, and now every Borders has a copy. Go figure.” I mean, does Tyra just not count hallucinogens? Is PCP not a drug in her mind? How can we explain this book coming from a complete absence of substance abuse?
Back to the book:
Before too long, the girls are surrounded by cats, but then a lion who looks suspiciously like the Belladonna (President-ish person of Modelland) shows up, scares the cats off, and then opens her mouth and extends her tongue like a “furry red carpet” which the girls walk along, into her mouth, after which they emerge in a totally different building.
And again. No drugs were involved in the production of this book.