Modelland by Tyra Banks
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
01/19/2016 Update:
When we left you, we were in WOW, aka debate class. We’d debated the merits of wearing a bra (less saggage) versus not wearing a bra (watermelon is delicious), and before our next debate could begin, Ci~L burst into the room with some handlers.
And now, the big announcement, Ci~L has been demoted from model, Triple7 no less, to a first year Bella. That’s right, the model we all loved so much is no better than our own Tookie de la Creme.
I don’t know what Ci~L did to fuck up so bad, but there’s no torture worse than going through Modelland THE BOOK again, so I can only imagine how shitty it’d be to go through the actual Modelland a second time. Really, it’s a shame that this book has not been committed to audio. If you ever needed to play something to get a bunch of hostage takers out of a building, screw Master of Puppets, this would drive them out in no time.
I always thought that was weird. “I know, we’ll blast AC/DC, a band with amazing hooks that’s actually meant to be played really loud. That’ll learn ’em!” There were moments in my life where I would totally fake a hostage situation to hear a little Shoot to Thrill. I’d wave a gun around and fire in the air to hear Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark” once in a while.
Maybe it’s like a marketing scheme. Some savvy marketer was like, “What we’ll do is put out a fake study about how this band’s music can drive people crazy, then suggest it to the police. The police will investigate as far as seeing that you have to pay $12 to read the full article, say screw it, and then our boys’ music will blast a bunch of criminals out of hiding. We’ll look like badasses.”
Anyway, Ci~L is back. Of course, Zarpessa says something bitchy about it because she says something bitchy about everything, and Tookie can’t stop herself: “Yeah, well you’re no stranger to slumming it yourself!”
Oh my god! Tookie almost revealed Zarpessa’s secret, that she’s a dumpster diver. What a disaster that would be, to see a character who is repugnant in every way get taken down a peg. Why Tookie can’t just out Zarpessa is beyond me. If you feel bad about telling everyone she’s poor, just make up something else instead. I don’t know what kind of rumor has effect in Modelland. Something tells me that the classic gerbil in the butt isn’t going to cut it. But get creative. Try something.
But enough about that, back to WOW.
For our second round, we’ve got a two-person debate. Tookie and Dylan on one side, Zarpessa and Ci~L on the other!
The topic: “Unusual physicality versus defined beauty. You two (Ci~L and Zarpessa) will argue that atypical features are superior to conventional beauty.”
Zarpessa makes a two-prong, backhanded argument:
+Uglies deserve to feel attractive too.
+Ugly people are beautiful inside.
Okay. Sure.
I’ve always felt this was a strange argument. Everyone is beautiful inside. I thought we were saying that beauty wasn’t important, but then we backpedal. I know the meaning of the saying is that beauty is behavior, but that’s dumb. That’s different things. Next time I fill out a job application, I’ll remember to put Rich…In Friends! in the salary line. Idiots.
Lest we think the prosecution rests, Ci~L enters the debate as only Ci~L can: with a poem.
Perhaps perfection is your snout
Queen bees have stung your handsome pout.
What lies within your cantankerous head:
Infected hard pus in ol’ blackheads.
Strength be with you, ‘pessa as you fade
whilst the UL’s dance upon your grave.
First off, the poet laureate of Modelland rhymed the same word with itself in a 6-line poem. There are 6 rhymes, and two of them are the same word. 33% of your rhyming uses THE SAME WORD!
I mean, this is a terrible poem. Like really bad. Here, let me try. I’m no Ci~L, but I’ll give it a shot. It seems like we’re slamming Zarpessa, so here we go:
Zarpessa, holy diver
of dumpsters, you liar
not a rainbow in the dark
but a goddamn bum. You aardvark.
(in memory of Ronnie James Dio, 1957-2010)
Might have used a rhyming dictionary on that last one. Truth be told.
But hold on. Let’s hear what Tookie and Dylan have to say.
Tookie makes with a 2-page letter to Ci~L, and her point is that only conventional beauty matters, as evidenced by the fact that people like her sister, Myrracle, better than her. Compelling argument.
Then, Ci~L can’t hold it in anymore, and she shouts back at Tookie:
“They have lobotomized you! We’ve all been brainwashed to think that beauty is this or that or that or that or that. When in fact, if we reprogram our brainwashed-with-extra-strength-bleach minds, it can be that! And this!”
We finally get the discussion of what beauty is and the value of beauty, although it’s presented in a pretty simplistic way that irks me to no end.
I don’t like when people say “This or that is beautiful! Everyone is beautiful in their own way! Magazines make us only see certain things as beautiful, but really, everyone is beautiful!”
How about instead, fuck beauty, some people are not beautiful, and that’s fine, and let’s stop worrying about that. The primary function of the human body isn’t to be a vessel for beauty. The primary function of someone who comes to my house to install cable is to install cable. I don’t care if it’s a hot babe or a studly dude. I care mostly about if he shows up at some point, and I strongly prefer he doesn’t track shit in the house. That’s pretty much it. I don’t think there’s a How’d We Do? form at most workplaces that’s like “The person who helped you at the register…you’d do her, right?” Because who cares? I don’t associate with people because I want to fuck them. I DON’T WANT TO FUCK ALL MY FRIENDS!
Why are we trying to backwards intellectualize ourselves into saying everyone is beautiful when it’s a lot easier and more realistic to say that some people find some people attractive and other people not attractive, and the truth is that you’re a shitty person if you treat people a certain way based on their attractiveness. If you’re not looking for a romantic partner, then don’t worry about whether or not someone is attractive. Fuck it! Who cares?
So there you go, Modelland.
Oh, then Dylan enters the debate, says that it’s all bullshit because she’s fat, and runs away crying. Cool debate, bros.