Mail-Order Mysteries: Real Stuff from Old Comic Book Ads! by Kirk Demarais
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
This guy actually got ahold of some of the bullshit they sold in old comics. Most of which seemed to be things to see girls partially nude. X-Ray specs, hypnotizing discs. Everyone would have saved a lot of time if they’d just advertised X-Ray specs and sent pornography. Duh, you already work in the comic publishing industry. Drop in the office across the hall, strike a deal, make it happen. What else would people look at? Bones and shit? Who cares about that?
Some of my personal favorite items:
CHARLES ATLAS FITNESS PROGRAM
The famous ad where the nerd gets sand kicked in his face, goes and gets ripped, and then…I can’t remember the rest, but I think there’s like a home invasion thing and the former nerd strangles his tormentor’s father in front of him. Something like that.
What’s really fucked up is that YOU CAN STILL BUY THIS SYSTEM. It’s $50, which is pretty damn outrageous if you ask me. Orrrr, with a little hunting, you can find the thing online.
My personal favorite exercises are blowing up your cheeks to exercise your face, lightly karate chopping your kidneys, and a neck exercise that results in a pose too explicit for my taste.
HOW TO PERFORM STRONG MAN STUNTS
There wasn’t a lot about this, but the one tidbit I liked was that you could soak limestone in water overnight and then smash it with your hand. I would like to try this. Is there still a market for trickster strongmen?
7-FOOT MONSTER-SIZE POSTERS
Huge posters of skeletons or Frankenstein with glow-in-the-dark eyes. If you ever wondered if anyone ever gave ONE fuck about the people who ordered this stuff, these posters came in two pieces, and the glow-in-the-dark eyes were stickers you had to punch out and stick on. Best bit, the instructions said about the eyes and the leftover materials: “The remaining small pieces of material can be used in other spots if you like.” Wow. Jackpot.
There was also a hilarious Moon Monster poster, also in two pieces, and the lower half was differently scaled and didn’t match the upper half.
FLASHING EYES
This was my favorite. The ad said you would get flashing eyes in the mail, as used by magicians.
What you GOT was a piece of paper, and printed on it were these instructions: “Obtain some silver paper and cut two small triangles, like tiny slices of pie.” Okay, with you so far. Thanks for explaining what triangles are in a way I can understand. “Stick one to each eye lid at the top, the pointed end down. When they eyes are open they are not seen. Now, by blinking the eyes with a spotlight or footlight shining on your face, they appear as streaks of lightning or sparks shooting from the eyes.”
You sent away 50-cents, and 6-8 weeks later, when you were expecting to shoot lasers out of your goddamn eyes, this is what came. A paper that said “Tape foil to your eyes, kid, and go FUCK yourself, eh?”
It’s these things that I wonder how we’ll ever explain to children born post-internet.