“TTYL; TTFN; L8R, G8R (series), by Lauren Myracle
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs
I don’t mean to be picky, but how does a book without pictures have “nudity?” As a total scumlord, I’ve been privy to some scummy shit, but I would never say that a book features nudity. Nudity is more the territory of booklets, pamphlets, and mechanics’ toilets. If it ends in “let,” be on the lookout, that’s all I’m saying.
“And Tango Makes Three” by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
Reasons: Homosexuality
Funny, I don’t remember any sex in the book whatsoever. Doesn’t homosexuality, by definition, have to involve sex? If someone tells you this book is banned because of gay penguins, and you’re anything like me, you are going to be SORELY disappointed at the lack of penguin gangbangs. Seriously, not even a flipperjob in sight.
“The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” by Stephen Chbosky
Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Anti-Family, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide
Ah, finally one that makes sense. I suppose this is anti-family in that the main character is molested by his aunt. What an asshole kid he must have been to make his aunt molest him, huh? What this society needs is some kids who can shut the hell up and let an aunt have her way. At least it’s not gay like that penguin book, huh?
“To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee
Reasons: Racism, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Racism? RACISM!? Isn’t that the whole point of the book? Watch this: Nigger. Are you still okay? I’m guessing you are, so maybe you’ll be just fine.
Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group
What exactly is the religious viewpoint of this book? That vampires are real? Or is it more related to the idea that vampires are superior to werewolves? Because as a believer in werewolf power, the idea that vampires stand even a chance is pretty blsaphemous.
“Catcher in the Rye,” by J.D. Salinger
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
I seem to recall a soliloquy where the main character expresses frustration that there is so often graffiti with the words “Fuck You” written on the wall. So I guess even using a word, even in the context of disapproval, is inappropriate. On a side note, could this book possibly have a more boring cover? White field with a small rainbow? Really? How about it just has the word “fuck” on the cover and that’s it. That way nobody could pretend to be surprised.
“My Sister’s Keeper,” by Jodi Picoult
Reasons: Sexism, Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide, Violence
Sexism. Well, that was invented by Jodi Picoult, so we better keep it under our hats before it starts running rampant!
“The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things,” by Carolyn Mackler
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
If we could just ban books with sexual material everyone would stop doing it. Just like it was before the printing press was invented. Damn that Gutenberg and his Sexy Printing Press! By the way, if nobody’s thought of it, The Gutenberg Press is a great name for a bizarre signature sex move.
“The Color Purple,” Alice Walker
Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
I can see this one. Lord knows I’ve taken a nephew or five to the library to teach them about colors. Boy was I in for a surprise when I took home The Color Purple. Maybe they should somehow warn you by, I don’t know, making it totally uninteresting to kids too young for it.
“The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier
Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group
Plus, a disturbing lack of chocolate. Not one goddamn chocolate fountain in the whole book. I’m beginning to suspect it’s not even really about chocolate at all. Son of a bitch. Also, as according to Dennis Franz v. The Entire World, male nudity doesn’t count.