with guest art by Alec
Do you think that Superman, because he has X-Ray vision, finds guts attractive the way I find boobs and butts, and to a far lesser extent personalities, attractive?
You know those big tubs that people give birth in? Why don’t they just put a big drain in there and then put in a garbage disposal to get rid of all that placenta and stuff?
What’s in Diet Sprite? Doesn’t Sprite seem like it’s made out of nothing already?
If I steal this pepper mill right now, do you think you can fit it in your purse?
Have you read my online internet blog?
Do you prefer “Holy Diver” by Dio or Mastadon?
What do you think of Justin Guarini?*
Have you ever let one of your toenails just grow, like grow until it starts curving back inside and then you have to seek professional medical help?
Do you think it would be financially viable to breed riding dogs? Dogs big enough to ride around, I mean?
Do you ever just feel your car drifting to the side on a bridge and think about just letting it go, putting it all in god’s hands?
Do you mind if I smoke cigars in your car, house, bed, and then on the toilet, assuming things go well tonight?
Is it cool if my buddy comes to dinner with us? We’ll have to pick him up because he’s already pretty wasted.
Don’t you always get really nervous for a date, but then you get there and it’s okay because the other person isn’t as pretty as you remembered?
Before we decide on a movie, can you tell me my odds on the sex tonight? Because I really want to see Iron Man 2 instead of that movie with Ryan Gosling, and if the sex isn’t a sure thing then I’m willing to take my chances.
Has your hair always been like that?
Will you go ahead and grab one of those trash bags on the way out? I can only take about three at a time.
*Note: Somehow this site got 3 google hits based on somebody searching for “Justin Guarini” so I’m keeping the streak going!