“Prevents Check Fraud”
I don’t get this one. How? How does this pen prevent check fraud in a way that others won’t? Some kind of sophisticated fingerprint system that doesn’t allow non-owners of the pen to use it? Not to mention, we’re talking about me avoiding fraud on my one monthly check? Is anyone even doing check fraud anymore? I kind of consider the idea of checks to be a fraud to begin with.
“Won’t Bleed”
This is a very aggressive way of saying a pen won’t make dirty marks on the other side of the paper. Bleeding? It’s also kind of patriotic to me. Sounds like something on a decal with opinions on the superiority of Chevy or Ford. Or that one guy with the buzzcut and the pig nose who’s flexing his bicep. Who the hell is that guy anyway?
“Erasable”
Fuck you, yeah right. Pen is erasable in as much as you can rub paper with any object until the paper tears away. In a way, the word is “erased.” The same way an atomic bomb “erased” parts of Hiroshima.
“Writes Upside-Down”
Why would I be writing something while I’m upside-down? The only time I can think this would be useful is if I was kidnapped and stuffed in the trunk of a car. Maybe I could write a note for help. Although if that’s your primary concern, forget the upside-down pen and get whatever kind of pen is best for gouging an assailant. Nobody makes that claim, “Gougiest Pen.”
“America’s No. 1 Pen”
Should read “America’s No. 1 Pen To Steal From Banks Too Cheap To Have Their Own Custom Pens.”
“Our Smoothest Writing Pen Yet”
That’s a little weird, the relative thing. It’s THEIR smoothest pen yet, but how smoothe was the previous one? That’s like me saying, “I hit on a girl last night, and it was my smoothest hitting-on yet.” That could mean anything from I was Rico Suave to me simply getting through ther interaction without sitting on her lap and passing gas. It’s a low bar here, smoothness.