No more being the captured, helpless princess for me!
This time I’m part of the team, baby!
If you’re ever a princess who is making the transition to being a hero, I do have a few recommendations for you. Try and learn from my mistakes.
-Buy at least one pair of reasonable pants. When you’re running around in your sportiest frilly pink dress, you’ll understand why. Also, it gets a little annoying when the so-called “Shy” Guys let you jump over them just to get a look at your downstairs window treatment.
-Practice jumping high or far. It turns out, floating when you jump is not a valued skill. Which kind of sucks because really, wouldn’t you be amazed if you saw someone jump in the air and hold a few inches above the ground for a 2-count? YOU would, because you’re a sane, rational princess person. But none of these jerks do. They just make fun of me for being slow at digging radishes out of the ground.
I guess these vegetables are the main weapons in the dream world. Mario mentioned something about my slow digging, and I mentioned to him that maybe he should use vegetables in the real world as weapons to fight against the surefire case of adult-onset diabetes he’s headed for. I think that hurt his feelings, but if he did a change-up and threw pizzas and beer bottles and ate vegetables, that would probably change his life for the best.
Things are awkward being here as a group, I have to say. I didn’t notice before because I wasn’t with them, but Luigi has a real problem with his brother. Every time he does something, he always says something like, “See, that’s not how Mario would have done it. He would have fucked it all up.” He’s constantly bashing on Mario, but I’m pretty sure that he had an old pair of Mario’s underwear hanging out of his back pocket one afternoon. You figure that one out.
Oh, and then we have Toad. If you think a man would be opposed to be being named Toad, just meet him. Watch him run while his open vest with no shirt underneath flaps. Have you seen terror nipples before? Because I’ve now seen terror nipples, and they are not pretty.
I don’t know. You know how you wish your life was different sometimes? Like sometimes I wish we could be having these adventures in a nice environment. Right now it’s like we’re in some Arabian hellhole. Everything is sand and snakes. I just don’t know why these cosmic toads and stuff don’t take over Aspen or maybe New England in the fall.
But, diary, I have learned a lesson. You don’t get to take picnics when you’re me. I live in a kingdom that’s taken over every day. That would be like living in the middle of Nazi Germany and deciding to just take a picnic in the dead of night near the ballbearing factory.
-P.T.