Post-Apocalypse Pete

Day 1:  Pete survives the initial blast as he is still asleep in his subterranean apartment at 10 AM, a time at which the attackers figured most would be out, about, and well into their productive day.

Day 2: Pete decides to collect the food he has in the kitchen and see if he has enough to survive.  Being a little unsure about which things can be eaten alone, he just tries a little of everything.  Lots of No’s.

Day 3:  Pete, being pretty sure that he had a knife stashed somewhere, decides its time to turn his apartment upside-down to search for it.  Efforts are derailed, however, when he discovers a stash of notes and letters from girlfriends going back to highschool.  Attempts to refold them in the cute ways they were left are fruitless.

Day 4:  Pete decides that a good cry is just what he needs to get things going again.  Clear the air.  He thinks about all the dead.  How life is empty.  When that doesn’t work, he thinks about that one Futurama where Fry thinks his brother stole his identity, but then it turns out that Fry’s brother really named his own son after Fry.  Tears flow.

Day 5:  Pete emerges from his home.  Life as he knew it is over.  He never thought of paved streets as having life, but now that all traces of it have been blasted away he feels its absence pushing down on top of him.  Also, some fucker threw a Wendy’s bag right on his porch.

Day 6:  Pete finds a group of survivors huddling in the mall.  He decides to join them.

Day 7:  Pete discovers that the survivors are being tormented by the Mole People, a subterranean race that was awakened by the blast and is now using its advanced technologies and brute strength to crush humanity.

Day 8:  Pete, understanding the desperate and tenuous position of humanity, joins the Mole People.

Day 9:  Pete adjusts to Mole People life.  Which is fairly easy as they can’t see and therefore don’t judge him for his appearance.  Also, their hearing sucks, so he gets a chance to revise everything he says.  “Mole People are the worst” smoothly becomes “Mole People are not the worst” with a second pass.

Day 10:  Pete is taken to meet the Mole Queen.  The Mole Queen feels it is important to create a cross-pollination of breeds between Mole People and humans so that Mole People can live in the daylight.  Pete asks if cross-pollination is like fucking.  After a consultation with a subordinate, the Mole Queen says, “Yes, like fucking.”

Day 11: Pete is prepared by royal guards to fuck the mole queen.  He is bathed in the sweetest of Mole People perfumes and oils.  He is offered a soothing massage from a Mole Man, but declines as he feels uncomfortable being massaged by a man, Mole or otherwise.

Day 12:  Once he enters the Royal Chamber, Pete realizes this is his chance to escape the Land of the Mole People.  He can simply creep past the Mole Queen and out the small tunnel that is somewhat hidden behind a painting before she even knows he’s entered the room.  He’s half way up the tunnel before he decides he might as well go back and have sex with the Mole Queen.

Day 13:  Upon his arrival back on the surface, he joins an enclave of scientists busily working to recreate society.  He is put to work as a re-inventor.  After failing at the TV, the iron, the table, and the stool, he is tasked with candle-making.

Day 14: The other scientists quickly discover that instead of making candles, Pete has just been melting existing candles and combining them to make larger candles.

Day 15:  Pete decides to try living in the sewer where he can be master of all and no one will tell him he is bad at making candles.

Day 16:  Pete realizes that the sewers are not cool brick lofts like in TMNT, but instead are mostly tubes that allow shits and rats to be more mobile.

Day 17:  Pete goes back home.

Day 18: Pete wakes up and realizes it’s all a dream.

Day 19:  Pete REALLY wakes up and realizes that it was not a dream.  However, he did dream that he was eating a giant marshmallow, and then when he woke up someone had taken one of his eyes.

Day 20:  Pete does his best drawing of an eyeball and posts several Have You Seen Me posters near his apartment.