The cottage porn industry has given us a lot to be happy about over the past several years. With internet porn ever on the rise in addition to jerking off instead of making meaningful love also being on the rise, cottage porn has filled a niche for people who like to see their niches filled in a less produced, homegrown fashion.
That said, there are some serious issues with the format that need to be addressed.
1. Could you at least pick up a little around your house before shooting?
There’s always a pile of assorted shit in the background. All crap, like a shitty plastic entertainment center that’s half-assembled and rising from the box. Or one of those inflatable exercise balls. I’m not asking for you to take a toothbrush to the bathroom floor here, just pick up in the six or seven feet that are in frame. You can even simply pick stuff up and put it on the other side of the room. Just get that crap out of there. Remember, you’re essentially inviting (virtual, masturbating) guests into your home, so you should tidy up accordingly.
2. Invest in a decent microphone.
I’m not going to get into the physics of microphones and sound quality, but what you need to know is that the tiny little microphone on most cameras isn’t a lot better than the one that picks up your voice on a telephone. In fact, it’s a lot worse in terms of picking up ambient noise. That’s why your stupid porn sounds like it was filmed on a day where wind was blowing under water somehow. Nobody’s demanding that you buy a condenser mic, preamp, and so on. But quit capturing this shit on your camera phone and leaving the sound as is.
3. Aziz, light!
A homemade porn shouldn’t look like two creatures in golem’s cave either banging or strangling each other. For all I know you’re just taping your dogs wrestling. Which is fine, I’ll jerk off to it, but I at least like to know what I’m getting myself into.
4. Cut the fucking tags off your lingerie.
Nothing more annoying than seeing someone parade around in lingerie with a goddamn big ass white square poking out from inside. We’ve all been there, and it’s not as noticeable as you might think, but if you’re filming yourself go ahead and cut those goddamn tags off.
5. Get a tripod.
Every fucking store on the planet sells tripods. Probably because of people making porn at home. Hey Wal-Mart, why else would someone need a tripod at 3 AM? If you looked at the number of tripods sold and compared it with the number of low-light photographs or nature stills, you might find a big gap there. So don’t be ashamed of the tripod. It’s your friend. It gives you angles, height, and so on that make your porno FOOTAGE into a porno FILM. This isn’t the Blair Witch Pornject, so get it together.