Dear People Who Own Places,
I just want to say what a great job you are doing running things over where you are. The walls all seem to be still upright, and straight as far as I can tell. The roof is all up on top, too. So that’s another gold star for you.
But enough about you and your successes. Let’s talk about the doors.
Every goddamn place in the world has double doors. Double doors can be really nice. They let traffic move in and out with ease, keeping people from crashing into each other. That’s really nice!
But for some reason, every piece of shit double door is half-broken. One side always breaks. That’s not really the problem. The problem is that instead of fixing it you put up a terrible sign that says, “Please Use Other Door.” Sometimes you add an excuse like, “Wind blows door open. Please use other door.” This happens so often that I’m begninning to suspect that double doors come from the store that way, with one broken. In fact, I don’t even think it’s a door at all. I think you had someone paint the interior of your store on one side, or maybe there’s an LCD screen in there projecting the inside of the store.
Thank you for the request for me to use the other door, however I want to let you know that I will no longer be using the other door. EVER. For one thing, you never put the sign somewhere I can see it before I actually hit the door. Then I run into the glass like an idiot bird into a sliding glass door.
From now on I’ll just be blowing the door apart with a hand grenade. The odds are on your side because, realistically, how many hand grenades can I have. So roll the dice, place owners, if you dare.
Oh, and by the way, this goes goddamn double for any of you with the push bar on the “Pull” side of the door or the handle on the “Push” side. All it takes is a screwdrive and four minutes. Assholes.