Pets My Son Would Buy and What I Would Yell At Him

Fish-
“You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. A fish? And I suppose you just think that water comes out of the tap for free and then the fish drinks it all up and everyone is just cool, just fucking cool. And Dad doesn’t pay for that in any way at all. Just a free, stupid creature that swims around, can’t even walk a step if it could save his life and give him riches. Well, we’re in for a great either 4 days or 9 years here.”
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Ant Farm-
“Do you have any goddamn idea how hard I work to keep these things out of the house? And then you just bring them right inside. Where did you even get these? In the mail!? That, I don’t think that could possibly be legal, to just send ants around in a manila envelope. What if they eat their way out? Did you get them from Puerto Rico? Hey I have an idea. Why don’t you also just build a glass dome and have my ex wives come live here too. Let’s just import everything that we’ve worked hard to get rid of.”
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Hamster-
“Why does this thing live in what is basically Discovery Zone? I got news for you, hamster. Life isn’t all arcades and tickets and shitty pizzas that someone microwaves and brings to where you’re playing Crusin’ USA. And we’re not getting the little sphere he walks around in. Why? Because I know how that ends. He goes down the stairs, you cry, and someone tells me I’m shitty because we threw the hamster away whole in the trash with the ball. Just because I don’t want to touch a rodent with a crushed spine, now I’M the asshole. No thanks.”
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Cat-
“No. No fucking way. I don’t know why people tolerate these things. It’s just this devil that lives here and acts like a bastard even though you could kill it if you wanted to. You really could. But we don’t because we’re so goddamn stupid and we don’t even know where we’re going anymore.”
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Ferret-
“This is how zombie starts. You get a ferret you find down in a culvert or at the quarry or some shit, it bites you, and now I’ve got the choice of blowing your head off with a shotgun or letting you make me into a zombie. So if you want your stupid piece of shit head blown off, then let’s just keep the ferret, little man.”