Every Thanksgiving, idiots call in to the turkey hotline for turkey tips. Please, allow me to address frequently asked turkey questions:
My turkey always turns out dry. Any tips?
Yes. Make steaks instead. Steaks are delicious, pair great with multiple types of boozes, and there’s really nothing as satisfactory as looking down at a plate pooled with blood that once kept an animal alive. Turkey is just so…clinical.
Oh snap! I forgot to defrost my turkey. What should I do?
I hear that you can defrost a turkey in the dishwasher. And nothing enhances the flavor of a food like thoroughly rinsing it with hot water for an hour, then allowing it to dry out. I’d say that you should take your son out into the woods and shoot a turkey fresh that very day. And if you don’t get one in the first 20 minutes, shoot your son, field dress him, and serve him as dinner. You want to really see inside your grandma’s soul? Watch her chewing on a piece of your son’s flesh.
My mother-in-law and I always argue about how to prepare things the “right” way. How can I make a turkey that will make us both happy?
There’s a little recipe I like to call Go Fuck Yourself. This isn’t a goddamn McDonald’s, you’re freeloading off our food, so if you don’t like it you can just go ahead and go to an ACTUAL McDonald’s. I don’t understand why people are trying to maintain these bizarre, tenuous relationships with people they hate. Just tell your mother-in-law that she sucks. This Thanksgiving will be ruined, but every holiday following will be saved thanks to your disregard for her feelings.