Each of the stones you see here has a special meaning. I mean, special beyond being a kind of rock. If you think about it, rocks are sort of special. I couldn’t go into a room with the command of making a rock and come out with a rock I made myself. Even if someone had a gun to my mom’s head, what can you do? I think people start thinking things are only valuable if they’re rare, which is bullshit. I mean…well, I was going to say how they make just as many $100 bills as they do $1 bills, but that’s probably horseshit. So bad example.
What you’ve got there is a ruby. A ruby stands for, let me remember, it stands for red. And what else is red? You guessed it, the best kind of every candy. Starburst, Lifesavers, DumDums, Skittles.
Over there we’ve got a Tiger’s Eye. Those are nice because you know that someone managed to blind a tiger, which means we’re all a little safer.
That’s an Amethyst. Now look, I’m not going to get too sexist here, but you’re buying this for a lady friend, right? Now, a lot of lady friends I’ve had only focused on the color of cars, say stuff like, “What kind do I have? A red one.” So what I’m saying is, this shit is purple, so it’s probably going to cost you because those kinds of people WILL remember it, and because this is all hocus pocus anyway, we just kind of decide how much they cost. We really should get one of those signs like at the gas station where we change the prices every day.
That’s turquoise. Is your lady friend a retiree who lives in Arizona and decorates her house with crappy pottery? Okay, then we’ll skip that one.
Ah, the diamond. Now we have three options. We have regular diamonds. We have cruelty-free diamonds, which means that nobody got killed over them, or if they did nobody ever made a movie about it. And then we have extra-cruelty diamonds. I’m not going to get TOO into what goes on there, but have this pamphlet. You ever seen a picture of a rat tunneling through a man?