Hi, everyone. I know that the teacher wasn’t going to force me to introduce myself because that’s something that only happens on TV. But I thought I would just take this opportunity to clear up a few things about myself.
First off, ladies, you should know that I am taken. You know that school across town? The one that nobody here goes to or knows anybody from? Nobody knows anyone there, right? Yeah, that’s where my girlfriend goes. Even if you ask about her, people probably won’t know who she is because she only spends half the year there. The other half she spends at New York. Doesn’t that amaze you about me somehow?
You should also know that my cousin is quite the character. He passes on a lot of vital information about sex and bad, weird things that happen, like the girl who masturbated with a hot dog and it broke off inside and nobody really knows what happened after that or how he would possibly have found out about it. He just knows some shit, man, let me tell you. Isn’t that enticing? Aren’t you excited for me to sit next to you in the lunchroom, uninvited, and for me to tell you a bunch of weird shit that makes you super uncomfortable about human bodies and forces you to be clear with your friends that you don’t really like me at all? I know I am!
At my old school, I was really good at this one sport that isn’t a sport here. Ultimate Frisbee? Perfect. I was the best at it, and everyone liked me for it and felt strongly that this enjoyment of me should carry over to this school as well.
And yes, everyone there dressed like this.