Well, not to be disrespectful of the previous leaders. I’m sure they were a fine bunch of evil queens and disenfranchised princes, but this place was a goddamn mess when I took office.
Even the basic needs, like roads, were fucked. A group of trolls was monopolizing the entire bridge system. Wave after wave of brave knights had tried to kill him, but they couldn’t because apparently trolls are strong as shit and use their power to extort people and force them to pay money to walk across a shitty, rickety bridge.
So instead of screwing around with the troll we just built a new bridge. 4-laner, pretty nice. Some people feel it’s kind of an eyesore, but I’d rather look at a shitty bridge than the nicest-looking troll. And no, despite the allegations I’m not “into” trolls. Those were all wild rumors.
We also went ahead and did away with all the castles. The bad ones first. We took them over and disassembled them. Then the good ones too, because no matter how good your castle, it’s only a matter of time before it gets taken over by evil vines.
The talking animals were a big problem. You find out that you have pigs capable of building homes, all of a sudden people are up your ass about whether or not we should be eating something that has mastered masonry and wears overalls.
I know it was a dark path to go down, but I had all the magical animals executed. Sorry, but if they just quietly go away, problem solved. We’re not living so well that we can afford to deny ourselves the staples of our current diet. Maybe someday, but for now that pig and his damned overalls are rotting in a shallow grave somewhere near the enchanted dump.
Once things had settled a little, we did send an exploratory committe to discern which parts of the forest were actually enchanted and which were not.
Everything was called the Enchanted This or the Enchanted That, so we decided to make sure which things were enchanted and which were simply trying to hide behind our legislation that protects enchanted spaces.
It turns out that the well was, in fact, enchanted, as was a certain section of the forest and a number of caves.
The swamp, however, turned out to be completely unenchanted, but nobody gives a shit about the swamp anyway so it’s now just called The EnchantING Swamp. Kind of like how the shittiest, most blighted suburb where I came from was called Green Valley and the poorest, worst subrurb was called Commerce City.
All in all, I think we’ve got things under control. I’m not saying Happily Ever After just yet, but we get a little closer every day.