Report:
Uncle Jay-Bob’s Mid-MidWay Funhouse!!!
Status:
Condemned
Comments: House did not meet standards issued by OSHSHAA, PECTRJD, or the Board of JSEDH
Report:
[transcribed from audio recording by funhouse inspector id#99456]
“Okay, it’s June 14th and we’re doing a quick inspection. Let’s see what we’ve got here.
“Right off we’ve got stairs leading up front. Mmm-hmm. After taking some quick measurements it looks like these stairs are level and of equal height. That’s gonna cost you bigtime.
“Moving on inside to the hall of mirrors. Let’s see…yeah, we’re seeing a lot of smudging down low. You can see here that the oils from kid hands has actually solidified into a sort of crust. Pretty much ruins the entire mirror effect unless you think there’s a line of funnel cake crust floating in front of you and on both sides.
“let’s check out the rotating tube here. What we’ve got here is a large tube that rotates. Patrons go ahead and walk through here. Things look good. It’s spinning a little slow for my liking, but according to my dizzometer things are within the acceptable range. Advise: much like a low tire, a low speed spinner will work, but it’s not going to give you optimum performance.
“Now we’ve got the rubber band room. We’ve got rubberized cables stretched from floor to ceiling. They appear to be recently replaced. Probably knew we were coming. They could use some refrigeration. The cooler air will help the rubber bands maintain their elasticity longer and keep any safety issues from rubber bands snapping.
“Here we’ve got the punching bag walkway. Here we have 2..3…5 punching bags arranged in the hall that patrons have to work past. The stuffing density is pretty low here. Something you don’t really want is the core to be exposed. I’m gonna put in for a re-covering and stuffing. We can see here they took old bags, recovered them and jammed stuffing in between the two. That works for a little while, but overall you’re just putting off the inevitable.
“Ball pit. Oh, oh god. Here we’ve got some serious ball rot. It looks like rainwater is in the balls where it gets trapped and starts making mold. Could be little kid saliva too. I’m gonna go ahead and put on my waders and heavy gloves here and see what I can feel around for on the bottom….okay…yep, we’ve got broken glass down here, definitely. And garbage. More funnel cake. Yeah, this thing is going to need a ball draining and restocking.
“Overall, inspection yields subpar results and a funfactor that I would gauge at “mildly joyful.”