Please, be seated. I don’t know if you’re usually seated. If usually you’re standing, then take a seat because hey, I think things are already PLEN-TY intense here, huh?
So I know what you’re all thinking. Oh, great, another NFL cover-up. Another player abuses his wife, and the NFL has his back. Leaves her out to dry.
Well, let me just clear the air here. If you would stop farting up the air with your lies, which stink like farts and cloud the clarity of the air like cartoon farts, I’d like to speak on this issue.
First of all, when this all started, we had no evidence either way. Maybe he punched his wife in the head, maybe not. It’s hard to know. All we had to go on was his character. Which did fucking amazing at the combine, so there you go.
Then, yeah, we had some more evidence. Which people tell us was obvious. Now, I’m no Benedock Cundersnitch. Okay? I don’t watch shows from channels that aren’t from America because our country is the greatest country. I still believe that. I still believe in the N of NFL, which stands for National, and the National we’re talking about? The National PRIDE of the U.S.A.
In light of the new evidence, we had some tough decisions to make. Yes, some would say these decisions are very easy. At least for us. But I ask you, before you judge, look into your own hearts. Can any of you look me in the eye, can you stand here before god and everyone, and tell me you’ve never punched in the face, full on, someone you love? To the point where it knocked her, OR HIM, out? Can you tell me, with 100% honesty, that you’ve never suplexed your spouse in a moment of passion and rough trade gone awry? Can you open your mouth and say to me, with total candor, that you’ve never smashed a tank through your wife’s house, drove it right up to her chair, lowered the big gun on the front and pointed it right at her face, then beat off and wept with one finger on the trigger? Are you really going to sit there and tell me none of that has EVER happened to you?
Maybe you can, and maybe you, SIRE, are a better person than the rest of us. I sure hope you can take a deep enough breath to say out loud how you might find forgiveness for the rest of us. I know that will be a difficult task as the air is thin up there on your high, high horse.
It is my tragic duty to inform all of you that the player in question has been let go. This is truly a sad day for football, the NFL, and myself. Honestly, we hate to see a career end like this. We much prefer to see a young star like this live up to his full potential for 16 months, after which he suffers an injury and we yank his contract. Which is what we do in the NFL, by the way. Baseball, basketball, they have to pay out the contract because, you know, they expect the player to work hard and understand they may become injured as a result of the sacrifices they make to build a great team.
Thank you all for your patience. We all look forward to the season, and although we will miss this player, we look forward to next year’s draft, when we can replace him with a 19 year-old who totally, for sure will be able to handle being a millionaire immediately.