Charges: A man is convicted for beating his wife.
Sentence: Uh, hmm…okay, how about this: You go to a batting cage, we turn on all the pitching machines, and then you walk around with a bag on your head. You have to collect 5 treasures that will be placed somewhere within the batting cage area before you can remove the bag and exit the cage.
^
Charges: A woman is convicted of DUI.
Sentence: From now on you are only allowed to drink whiskey, neat. No more kamikazes, no more slippery nipples, no more banana fo fanas or whatever the hell that stuff is. If it hurts to drink it, maybe you’ll do a better job keeping track of how much you’ve had.
^
Charges: A man is convicted of speeding.
Sentence: In order to fully understand the case, I will speed equal to what you did on my way to work forever. I hope that you knowing that you are endangering a judge’s life will make you think again next time you slam on that accelerator.
^
Crime: Child is convicted of vandalism.
Sentence: Child is forced to go around town for 1000 hours, and during that time he has to wipe off those stupid chalk marker writings from people’s car windows. I swear to god, I saw one yesterday that was just a guy’s name. That’s it, just the name. Did he own the car? Did he do the chalk stuff? What the fuck?