Does God hear the prayers of unbelievers?
Unfortunately, I think we sort of have dude by the balls here. From what I hear, he knows everything. So he probably must hear prayers regardless of where they come from, in addition to loud diarrheas and me instructing myself aloud how to tie a necktie. It’s kind of like a Clockwork Orange scene at god’s place, from what I understand.
What is the gift of tongues?
Ask my wife! Huh? Haha!
Okay, but I think the gift of tongues is the gift of speech. Which is hilarious because I can’t think of anything more boring you could do with a tongue than using it to tell me things. Oh, the canned soup is on aisle 17? Good thing we got that great gift.
Why are there so many Bible translations?
Because the original had a weak ending. I’m a fan of apocalyptic lit, but it really comes out of nowhere in the original. But in the remake, the one Kirk Cameron had something to do with, I think, the groundwork is laid a little more carefully. It’s a much better read. So, new bible, that’s the one you want to read. Old bible, that’s really for the true fans only.
What does the Bible say about Christian tithing?
“Pay money. These people aren’t going to come into your community and fuck boys for free, ‘kay?”
What is the mark of the beast?
A great name for a metal band. From a light google, it looks like it’s not taken yet. I’d jump on that shit. Plus, built-in logo. That’s a slam dunk. Or, in music parlance, a real awesome power chord.
What is God’s view on cloning?
Well…come to think of it, I guess he was the first cloner. Which is weird. Why would he have the material to make a man, but he didn’t have any extra to make a woman? He bought just enough to make the one guy? What if he fucked up? Once I was making a cake for a party, and I completely messed it up. I learned an important lesson that day: In a clutch situation, buy more than is needed for the recipe. That way you can take another shot at it.
How can I know God’s will?
Living in a woods or bunker town with guns seems to have a lot to do with it. I think buying a large truck is somehow like putting up an antenna to heaven there.
How can I know if something is a sin?
That’s simple. Do the thing five times as much as you would normally and then judge how you feel the next day. Feel okay? Probably no biggie. Feel horrific? Raw in areas? Like you’re filled with bees? Probably a sin.
What should / shouldn’t a couple do before marriage?
In general, according to the bible, you should avoid doing anything that might help you assess how the next fifty years together might go. This includes moving in, having sex, sharing a towel and smelling the towel on the part that you think touched crotch. You know, the stuff people do when they get comfortable.