The best show on TV when I was a kid was Pee Wee’s Playhouse. If you didn’t like it, you’re a piece of shit and I want to know what the hell you were watching instead because I need to make fun of you mercilessly.
That said, some of the characters were a little confusing for me. I guess when you live in a home where everything is alive, you’re bound to have some very odd relationships with the objects around you.
But let’s look at some of these object/creatures through the crystal clear lens of age and self-loathing.
Ah, Chairy. The living chair.
This is probably the most famous of the Pee Wee furniture horror show. She looks pretty comfortable, but I was always a little worried about that mouth. I don’t think I can be terribly comfortable on an object that has the physical ability to eat me if it chooses. Also, though I kind of like the color, I’m one beer spill away from ruining that chair, beer spills being the equivalent of facial scars when you’re alive furniture.
Ugh, these two assholes. Pretty much all they did was tell shitty knock-knock jokes. I guess fish that can tell even shitty knock-knock jokes are about 10 billion times more useful than regular fish, which don’t even have the brains to swim into the glass of their bowls and see if they can go further, but I’m pretty sure I’d have very little emotion about it if I went on vacation and forgot to feed these fuckers while I was gone.
One thing I hated about TV as a kid was that it seemed like every show had a know-it-all character. This Globey, this professor genius face, was sort of that guy. I don’t know why everyone kept characters like these around. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had their Donatello, but at least he was clearly insane, building a car that shot hot pizzas at people.
Conky was and still is one of my favorites. What kid doesn’t want a robot?
What makes him great is that he spent 99% of every episode plugged into the wall, which is exactly what a real robot would have done in the early 90’s if they managed to create one. Did you ever have Power Wheels? You have to charge those fuckers for days just to get enough juice to make it up a long driveway.
Also, and it’s probably only because he’s made from a boombox, I always considered Conky my first black friend.
Living windows are definitely a problem. There’s really no point to having a window to keep things out when it’s always open and always watching. It’s the ultimate voyeur, really. For some reason I always pictured this thing closing on Pee Wee and severely injuring him. Probably because in my school there was a paralyzed kid who was paralyzed because the lid to a toy chest closed on his neck. His father made the toy chest, so I can only imagine how that felt. But this might be my personal life infecting into my interpretation of television.
The Door-to-Door Salesman. This guy scared the holy shit out of me. He was gigantic, scary as hell, and whenever he popped the door open this insane band music blasted from the TV. He was the Hannibal Lecter of Pee Wee land. I can remember watching episodes, cowering in fear if it was a rerun where I suspected the salesman was prowling outside. And thanks for the warning, stupid asshole window!
Speaking of having tension diarrhea fill my pants, how about this guy? Roger showed up, and I think we eventually learned that you shouldn’t judge people by their outsides. I think that’s a sort of bad lesson for kids to learn. You don’t have to hate uggos, but when you see a guy with razor sharp scissors filling a bunch of loops he’s sewn on the inside of his trench coat, go ahead and judge that guy as someone you should not accept rides from.
This guy, Randy, was the worst. Biggest asshole, came in to ruin whatever fun was going on and then laugh an annoying laugh. He wasn’t exactly the school bully, especially because he was about five feet shorter than Pee Wee. But he had superdoll strength, and he looked an awful lot like a clean-cut version of my doll friend and yours, Chucky.
The baffling part was asking why you would bother to keep an asshole like this in your home. The globe I can excuse, but this piece of shit who’s one day away from slicing his hand off and replacing it with a kitchen knife? No thanks.
Pteri was a sort of neurotic dinosaur friend. Kind of the C-3PO of Pee Wee ville. I never liked him. As much as I like my chairs friendly, I like my dinosaurs killing machines, or possibly as vehicles you use to ride and fight bad guys, a la Dino Riders*.
This Magic Screen doesn’t hold up too well. Pee Wee would jump inside and be in a video game. Sort of like that movie Lawnmower Man. But also, like Lawnmower Man, the amazing visual technology of twenty years ago is kind of less amazing today. Also, again, like Lawnmower Man, it seemed like Pee Wee was almost killing himself in these games all the time. I think after eight or ten near-death experiences it’s time to get an Atari and settle in.
Jambi the Genie. Pee Wee could make one wish a week, after which he would take off down the highway on his scooter. Jambi was fine, although talking to Jambi always meant the episode was over. That was the baffling thing about Pee Wee. Why is he going to this awesome playhouse with murderous puppets and crazy gadgets, and then going home to, what, an apartment? You go to your playhouse for one half hour a week? Screw that noise. Everyone wants to end their show by driving a stand-up scooter down the highway, but go ahead and turn back around after the credits roll and enjoy spending the night at the playhouse, maybe try and wrangle a 3 with Cowboy Curtis and Miss Yvonne.
*