“Hey, I have a big truck, so I’ll just go across three spaces.”
Good work, fucko. You know what’s cool about having a big truck? Being able to drive it. You know what’s not cool? Backing up and reversing a hundred times to fit into a space while a competent person is already inside the Wal-Mart, where 90% of trucks are driven, studies show.
Motor vehicles are like dildos: Only use what you can handle, and don’t try to impress everyone by picking the biggest thing on the block. If you can’t park it, try starting smaller. Leave the shiny huge ones for real men who know how to take a dildo.
“Gee, my car is so nice, I better park it in the very back of the lot.”
Great plan. You know what would be even safer? Leaving your precious moment figurine at home and driving around in your CAR. What’s the point of driving a cool car if it means you do twice as much walking? Nobody is going to think you’re very cool when you’re patting the sweat out of your exposed chest hair with paper towels from the bathroom, so do yourself a favor, park close. Besides, a cool car is only cool if it looks like you can afford it. When it looks like a door ding means you’re skipping lunch next week, it’s just sad.
“As long as nothing but possibly the mirrors are hanging over the lines, I’m technically inside the space and that means I’m good.”
No, no, no. You, my spatially-challenged friend, are really fucking up someone else’s day. It’s goddamn infuriating to have to turn sideways to wedge yourself into your car because some asshole couldn’t take the one second to repark. I would really like to take these people, drug them, and have them wake up tied in a basement, Hostel-style. Then, I would explain to them that the issue is sometimes proximity as opposed to physical contact, an explanation I would illustrate by placing a welding torch very near their face, inside their mouths, and just a hair away from their genitals, without actually touching anything.
“No need to look while backing out. Not for the first little bit, at least. If by some chance I almost hit someone, I’ll just give them a little wave and that will be okay.”
What the fuck are you looking at, then? What’s so important happening in front of you, and why can’t you tear yourself away?
Okay, if something amazing is happening in front of you, like if someone is walking past with really gross boobs and you can’t stop looking, I say keep looking, just hit the brakes first. That’s all. Get a good look, shudder in horror, and then turn around and watch where the fuck you’re going and back out.