Son, this is a big time in your life. But it can be hard, too. Really hard. Like about as hard as I was when you used to bring that girl by. You know, the one? The one with really bad boundaries? She was a little chunky, but I like them that way.
Anyway, I had a time too. As you can imagine, I was pretty popular in high school. I’m not sure if it was good looks or smarts, but something made me very popular. I had to figure out what it was exactly, and that’s part of growing up. You have to find yourself.
I found myself by doing drugs and drinking, which was really great. But I would prefer that you didn’t do that. If you ever get curious about drinking and drugs, just ask me. I’ll tell you amazing stories of all my great, consequence-free times that you can live through vicariously, and then you won’t have to do them yourself.
Now, as far as I can tell, nobody in your school really likes you. So moving on to college shouldn’t be too bad because you won’t have friends there either. And don’t count on winning any over with money because your college fund was spent. I already blew that cash on…not starting a college fund for you, ever.
Okay, good talk, son. Thank goodness we won’t have to do these anymore. I know you had your heart set on Harvard, but working at a cannery and studying that PSAT book will be almost the same, just BETTER SMELLING! Am I right?
In all seriousness, enjoy your bus ride. And don’t waste your time writing because I’m moving tomorrow. I’ll totally make sure and let you know where we live the very minute I get settled.