As you might expect, someone in my position comes across some real shit books. And I’m not just talking about the ones where a train is powered by a dinosaur or someone discovers they can go anywhere in a book.
By the way, the whole thing about going anywhere in a book is complete garbage. If that were true, Playboy would be number one seller and the world would be severely depopulated by now.
But the other day someone handed me a book that was especially shitty.
First off, let me apologize for the tiny image. Apparently when you publish a book out of a rented storage space you don’t get a lot of publisher help.
Can You Please Tie My Shoes follows the woeful tale of Lil’ Brian. Or Maybe just Brian. He’s called Lil’ on the first page, but after that he’s just Brian. But that probably is a subtle hint thrown in to clue us in to the character “growth” throughout the book!
Brian is this piece of shit who can’t tie his shoes. His dad (who is illustrated to look like a taller version of Brian) can’t teach him. His mom is worthless. She says, “Please forgive me, Brian. I should never allow my job, or anything else, to take my attention away from your needs. I love you so much, Brian. Come, Brian, sit down and let me teach you how to tie your shoes.”
And I wish that was me being an asshole. That’s her real dialogue. I remember when my mom said just about the same thing about my needs. Then we got in a real awkward scene.
Unfortunately, she can’t teach him. Neither can Brain’s tool of a father.
Enter the magical black man. Chris.
Chris is the only one who can help Brian. After some patience, Brian succeeds, declaring to Chris, “You are my best friend. Thanks for teaching me how to tie my shoes. You never once made fun of me at all. You are a true friend!”
Can we just look at one sentence. Allow me to channel Gordon Lish for a moment.
You never once made fun of me at all! There, you stupid, dumb bastard idiot! Get a fucking editor!
But it gets better. Just in case you didn’t get the point, there is a full page explaining the moral of the story. Plus a full-page introduction. Plus a full synopsis that describes the entire story arc on the back. This is sort of like reading the back of the Usual Suspects DVD case and seeing “THere is this dude and he’s telling a story of this crime where nothing is as it seems and it’s not because the criminal he’s describing is sitting right there in the interrogation chair! And he’s Kevin Spacey!
Also, I’d like to share with you the full page of upcoming titles:
I felt obligated to share as it almost doesn’t seem real.
The Squirrel Family That Lives in the Tree Across the Street (series)
Well, I could see how there would be a lot of ground to cover there and why it might necessitate a series. Especially since we didn’t get THE ENTIRE GODDAMN STORY IN THE TITLE.
When Tiffany Goes Back to School?
Why the question mark? Is Tiffany not going back to school?
Why Does Johnny Have Two Left Shoes?
Actually, that one I am curious about. Is it a dancing metaphor, is he deformed, or is he just poor as shit and does his shopping out of a bin?
The Two Boys That Cried Help Mommy
Yeah, don’t bother punctuating that in any sort of useful way. Also, “Boys Who” you stupid.
Just to get a little further into it, I decided to investigate the wuthor’s web site. This is the home page you are faced with:
Extremely yellow, no?
Also, the links don’t work.
Also, it appears that the upcoming titles are not yet in print, although I assure you that I am eagerly awaiting the publication of The Softer Side of a Black Woman. Maybe Maya Angelou is taking one last editing pass on that one.
It appears that Linda loves to write. As her web site says, “Linda love writing poetry and sometimes like reading it to others.” Peter love poetry too. Peter like reading it to others. Peter like brontosaurus rib for dinner, tip over car.
But, maybe we should be kind. After all, as Linda says,
“My greatest joy in life comes from my writing. Yet, don’t get me wrong I love my family dearly and they can be a joy 95% of the time. But, writing gives me much more than I could ever have imagined, and to think I never saw it as anything but a hobby. In 2003, a light went off inside me and my prospective changed; I began to see my writing as a gift from God.”
As a religious man myself, I find that extremely insulting. What kind of god would allow something like this to happen?