Okay, let’s just stop it with the opening bands.
Before budding musicians out there get upset, let me say that I understand your point. Yes, it would be nice to have an outlet for your music such as opening for a big headliner. I get that.
Now let me explain to you what it’s like for everyone who is NOT in an opening band, which is 99% of the people at any concert.
Imagine you go to the movies. You are dying to see the new Shrek movie. The show starts at 7, but before the Shrek movie starts you have to watch Tooth Fairy 2 starring Vin Diesel. The people who put these two movies together figured, Hey, nobody’s going to seek out this lesser movie, so we better jam it in front of a better movie. As an audience member you roll in at about 7. You have to stand because there are no seats in the theater. Furthermore, you could give a shit about Vin Diesel, but in order to be up close and have decent vantage on Shrek, you’ve got to get there early and get a spot. So you stand there for two hours, minimum. The movie ends and now you are less ready for Shrek than when you left the house. You’re tired, you’re a little irritated that you had to watch this movie you never wanted to see in the first place, this jerkoff in front of you smells terrible and took his shirt off, and now you have to wait for 40 minutes to an hour while they tear down the screen, put up a new one, test it out, change the curtains on the sides, and so on. Because there’s no way Shrek and Tooth Fairy 2 are playing on the same devices.
You would be pissed.
Here follows several reasons that we no longer should have opening bands at paid shows:
-I am talking about PAID shows. If you want to run an open mic, or have a battle of the bands at your bar, that’s cool. But I’m a customer, and most of the time I’m paying a SHITLOAD to see one band or another. This isnt the place to argue about whether ticket prices are out of hand, but I can say for sure that the amount paid should mean that you don’t have to sit through a bunch of extra stuff involuntarily. As the consumer YOU should dictate the product and what it’s packaged with. You wouldn’t buy filet at the grocery store if it came packaged with hot dogs that you HAD to eat first, making you less hungry because you already filled up on shit (please note that as a fan of hot dogs I am talking about your lesser hot dogs, not your natural cased and so on).
– The advantage for the opening band is really small. Be honest with yourself: Most of the crowd is using your time to jockey for position, buy merchandise, get loaded, and generally say, “When the fuck is Kelly Clarkson hitting the stage!? I didn’t ride my hog all the way from goddamn Ft. Lupton to see Justin Guarini slouch through a half hour of bullshit!” So if you’re an opening band, most of what you’re doing is pissing people off. Maybe you sell more CD’s than you would have that day, but maybe you should instead be using this time to hone your craft rather than riding on the fame of a band that has worked hard to convince people to spend their cash and time to come see them.
-The biggest cheer the opening band gets is when they say “We have one more song.” (Observation by Alec)
-Guys, it’s called the goddamn internet. I totally get the fact that in 1978 there weren’t a lot of good ways to promote yourself without getting on a show or being on the radio. But it’s not 1978, 1979, or any of those other dark ages years, so let’s get with the program and start using the fucking internet to launch yourself, spread your music, and ultimately build a fanbase that will seek you out. The music industry is famous for taking far too long to adapt, but it’s not too late to change that trend.
-We’re not just talking about the pain of listening to a band you don’t like. We’re also talking about a solid hour of set changes. Guys, you could easily set your shit up ahead of time and then roll with it. I know, playing someone else’s guitar would be like an artist painting with someone else’s brush. BUT IT’S NOT! It’s more like banging a supermodel with someone else’s dick. Sure, it’s not as great as bringing your own peen to the party, but it’s better than not doing it at all.
Not to put too fine a point on the whole thing, but seeing an opening band is the equivalent of:
Being forced to view some other painting for an hour, after which that painting is removed and you stand around for an hour while they put up the Mona Lisa, and only THEN are you able to view the Mona Lisa.
Or you could say it’s like buying a CD where the first two tracks are by bands that you don’t care about, but before you can listen to the one you BOUGHT you have to listen to the other two tracks.
Or you could say it’s like buying a brand new car, but before you get to drive it you have to drive 10,000 miles in a shitbox you don’t really care about while still paying the new car bills.
Or you could say it’s like eating a blow pop covered in dog shit where you have to lick the layer of shit off the top before you get to the part you’re actually interested in.
Seriously, let’s stop having the opening bands.