Okay, guys. We’ve got a serious crime on our hands. First stop is the office supply store. I’m going to need some shit.
First, red spherical pushpins. We all know that step one to solving any crime is marking the location on a map and staring at the map until a pattern emerges. These dumb criminals, why are they always committing their crimes so they make a pentagram or a perfect square? Or remember that guy who was stealing diamonds in the diamond district, and when he did his fourth crime it formed a perfect diamond when viewed from above? What’s up with that?
We’re also going to need notebooks. Are you guys writing stuff in your notebooks? I mean, I’m mostly just writing down other stuff. Little poems, jokes, things that I want to tell my wife later in the day. That way I can really focus on what’s going on with the crime here. Make sure to get notebooks. Covered in black leather. Sort of the same thing waitresses have, but without the thing on it that says Visa.
Pens. We all need the kind that click. That way you know we’re writing shit down. I don’t know why we never use the kind with caps. Probably because someone tortured a prisoner with a pen cap once or something. Or maybe we just like things that click. You know, like how we make our guns click before we shoot. We just like to send out a warning before committing any action.
We’re still buying coffee at the office supply store, right? So we can complain about shitty coffee in a world where there’s a Starbucks on every fucking street in town? And cups. Cups that are disposable so when we’re on a stakeout and see a suspect take off, we can go “Ah, shit!” and crumple the cup and throw it in the street.
Last thing, a couple DVD’s that cost about three times what they should. I don’t know why he hell they sell those at the office supply store, but someone needs to support these guys.