I was listening to a radio show the other day where they were going over some recommended rules for how to behave at an office christmas party.
Are people having awesome holiday parties at work? Because I, most assuredly, am not.
My holiday part consisted of some people bringing us a lunch, which was really nice, although as I write this I’m experiencing gas that is a 10 on the recterum scale. Like bad. Really bad. It smells like smoked meat coming out of me in gaseous form. I think this is the sort of thing that kills people in meth labs. My neighbors are going to have to move out and all their shit is going to be ruined.
A lot of the rules involved how you should conduct yourself around booze. Which is awesome, because the only booze on the premises is that which is brought in via the bloodstream of some of our wonderful customers. Can we not have booze at a holiday party? I’m sick of punches. The only punch without booze in it will be my fist punching through the punch bowl in anger. It’s a waste of liquid. Why not just put dry ice in it too so that we can have a smoky effect like little kids?
Any party without booze is not a party. It’s sort of like my Disneyland rule. If someone tells you the best vacation they ever took was to Disneyland, don’t hang out with them. They are boring. There is no booze at Disneyland. I’m not saying that you have to be drunk to enjoy a vacation, but I am saying that if the OPTION isn’t even available, you are not doing something all that great. So you don’t need to get drunk at your party, but you do need the option.
The next rules had to do with flirting. According to some stupid study, less than 5% of people get laid at a christmas party. I understand what you’re saying there, but you should understand that this is being told to me, a person who isn’t used to getting laid more than 5% of the nights in his life. In all honesty, a 5% chance isn’t that bad. It would mean if you went out most nights for a year, you would end up sleeping with about 15 different people, which isn’t a bad CAREER number. It sounds to me like the odds are about equal to any given night. But the important thing to remember is that the odds that you will see this person again and have to work with them and explain why you didn’t send this or that email are hovering right around 100%, the only exceptions being an angel disguised as a car that jumps the curb at just the right moment.
But again, are people getting drunk AND possibly laid at office christmas parties? Where the fuck are these people working? They always put out that list of number one party schools, so why not this? Number one drunken office christmas parties. Believe me, if they’d asked that question on those goddamn worthless high school career tests, I wouldn’t be here now.