40-Yard Dash:
Athlete spent large amount of time complaining about “asinine” distance. Athlete repeatedly questioned the wisdom of going 40 yards as opposed to 50 yards, 100 yards, or “none” yards. Athlete vomited. During the 40.
Bench Press:
Athlete mounted the bench press backwards and sitting upright as opposed to laying down. When told about correct positioning, athlete responded that he was aware of the proper position and liked to “get in a few butt scoots” before bench pressing. Athlete proceeded to rub his buttocks up and down the length of the bench. This did not appear to be something he’d ever done before and it is the opinion of this observer that he was just making up an excuse to not look stupid. He failed in his goal.
Vertical Jump:
Athlete claimed this was his best event. But then scratched himself from the event as he said his shirt was too short and he didn’t want anyone to see his “tum”.
Broad Jump:
Athlete made a comment about “jumping a broad or two” to several different parties. It became clear that rather than participating in the event, he was trying the joke out with different cadences on the various groups of athletes in line.
20 Yard Shuttle:
Athlete was missing during his slotted time.
3-Cone Drill:
Athlete returned smelling of cigarillos. He also made several clumsy attempts at turning the name of this specific event into innuendo the way he had with the Broad Jump. These were even less successful.
Cybex Test:
Athlete said he thought this test was something else related to chugging Gatorade. Athlete asked if the Gatorade he chugged counted for anything. Athlete said he couldn’t perform the Cybex test as he had consumed a very large amount of Gatorade. In the interest of fairness, the fluid ounces of Gatorade consumed was quite shocking.
Wonderlic Test:
And finally, you don’t have to think too hard about how this one was turned into something filthy.