Okay, it happens every year. New Year’s rolls around and we face the same problems. What am I going to do on this Night of Nights? What am I going to do with this Morning of Awful Mornings? How do I get rid of this hangover, large amount of recycables, or hooker body?
Fear no more. You’re about to find out why I’m called the “Helpful” Snowman as opposed to just “the” snowman. Also, there’s a pending lawsuit with Raymond Briggs that has A LOT to do with that.
Without further ado:
Helpful Snowman’s Countdown of 10 New Year’s Pitfalls
10. Drinking Too Much
Every year I hear so many people say they overdid it. Had a few too many. Tied on one too many, or possibly it was tied on in the appropriate number but too tightly. I’m not 100% sure how that metaphor works.
So how can you avoid drinking to excess?
Well, some people would give you tips like having a glass of water for every drink, or wearing a watch and having no more than 2 drinks in an hour. Me?
I’d say that this is a new year, and it’s time to give up on your antiquated notions about appropriate drinking amounts. This is a brand new you, the one who’s not afraid to vomit in a McDonald’s ball pit.
9. Deciding What to Do
People are always scrambling, deciding what to do at the last minute.
One of my best New Year’s involved nothing more than playing video games and laughing hysterically at a guest who thought that I had some sort of TV service that would allow us to watch the ball drop.
Some people have also had really nice holidays with family, celebrating quietly.
The two above examples serve to show that it’s possible to have a perfectly wretched time on New Year’s, so make at least SOME kind of plan because otherwise you will make yourself very sad.
8. Finding Someone to Kiss at Midnight
It’s become clear to me that every holiday has a portion that has been tainted by perverts. Kissing under the mistletoe? What the hell does that have to do with anything? And if it’s a lot of misteltoe, an entire misteltoe tree or bush or whatever that grows in, do you have to have full sex? Or what about Halloween? That’s been pretty much overrun by sex people. And Easter? I’ll never understand why the Easter Bunny at the mall always has the crotch cut out of his suit.
What I’m saying is that people oftentimes try and convert holidays into times to get sex, OR they put a little too much pressure on themselves to create a sex situation out of a party that consists mostly of couples playing Jenga or (god forbid) Uno, which is a very unsexy game.
In order to not feel that pressure, I recommend spending the day relaxing, thinking about the good things in your life besides the pursuit of meaningless romantic encounters, and also masturbating like 7 times so that the next 50 people you see become borderline repulsive and little more than an obstacle to the bowl of Chex mix.
7. Getting Home
Who’s going to drive? How are we getting back home?
Unfortunately, my 2011 resolution of breeding and mass marketing ride-able dogs has failed. So you might be out of luck. But on the plus side, this works out really well in terms of segues.
7. Making a Resolution
Are you supposed to come up with these before midnight? I’m never sure what the rule is there.
Coming up with a year-long resolution is a daunting and idiotic task. If you knew anything about project management, you would already have a list of several options by now. Also, if you were any kind of productive person you most certainly would not have made it to number 7 on this list. So I’m assuming that everyone here is bad at this shit.
My advice is that coming up with a big, long resolution is impossible. Instead, it’s advisable to come up with a series of smaller resolutions as you go. For example, that night you could resolve to:
1. Not eat the entire Chex Mix
2. Not begin holding the Chex mix bowl in your lap until at least 11:00.
3. Remember to masturbate 8+ times next year as you do feel at least some pangs of the emotion you once knew as “love.”
4. Eat the Chex mix QUIETLY in the bathroom as the ball drops so as not to give away the fact that you are eating in a stranger’s bathroom.
And so on.
6. Hitting the Gym
I don’t know why, but for about two weeks after New Year’s everyone decides it’s time to get in shape. For some reason, this is going to be their year. Decades of neglect, decay, and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos will be wiped away and replaced with a new resolve.
So be it.
Here’s the thing: You can fuck around with your iPod while sitting on a padded bench at home. So do that part, THEN come to the gym and proceed to do one lift every 9 minutes while watching girls play volleyball 400 feet away despite the fact that you could google image search girls whenever you want and save yourself the eyestrain.
5. Recovering from the Hangover
Everyone speculates on the best cure for a hangover. Maybe it’s greasy food. Perhaps a crazy bag of pills stapled to a card purchased at the gas station from a disapproving Middle Eastern gentleman.
The truth is, striking at the hangover preemptively is you’re best bet. I recommend a combination of the following elements, based on experience.
-Walking home several miles.
-Walking home several miles while wearing a full suit and dress shoes.
-Smoking 4-17 cigarettes as a complete non-smoker.
-Calling everyone who you’ve been repressing true feelings for, affectionate or otherwise, and speaking animatedly to their voicemail for several minutes.
4. Dealing with Embarrassment
You did something stupid. Hey, it happens. Sometimes you have too much and decide to smash a bottle in the street. Sometimes you have a little more too much and decide to make your way down a line of parked cars by sliding across each hood like a Duke of Hazzard. Sometimes you have even more to drink and decide it would be fun to fall down several flights of stairs while screaming and ruining your body.
We’ve all been there.
So how do you pick up the pieces the next day?
First, don’t panic. There’s no point worrying about how inappropriate you were. Because you were definitely inappropriate. Instead, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to imagine how you would feel and what kind of apology would make it right. After that, buy Wendy’s gift cards and distribute them while apologizing and not being able to look anyone in the eye.
3. Rule of Tens
Everything’s got to be goddamn ten. Since when? This year, break out of this ridiculous system that’s only holding you back.