The world of board games was set alight by the announcement that Monopoly would be replacing a piece. Not since checkers introduced the innovation of a second color has someone cock-rocked the board game industry so fucking hard.
It was decided that an online internet vote would be taken. The results:
Let’s start at the bottom of these results. We have almost a three-way tie between the shoe, the iron, and the wheelbarrow. The shoe is a shit shoe. This is the kind of shoe that kids wore in Willy Wonka days. I feel like you got a pair of these shoes and that was it. These were your feet now and forever.
The wheelbarrow? Yeah, nothing like a single-wheel conveyance for yard work. Nothing says fun like a wheelbarrow.
And, of course, the iron. First of all, I didn’t even recognize it in silhouette here. And apparently this iron dates back to a time when people would do shit like put a piece of metal on the stove to heat it up and iron clothes. Now let me ask this question: Did people who heated irons on a wood stove really need to be concerned with wrinkles in their clothes? How pissed are those people that there is a cheap pulg-in iron in every motel room in this country?
The other pieces?
The car is obviously safe. It’s rad. Plus it’s a car. It’s one of only a few pieces MEANT TO TRAVEL FROM ONE SPOT TO ANOTHER. It just makes sense. Plus, an old car is cool whereas old appliances not so much.
The thimble is one to hate, EXCEPT that really, the thimble is kind of perfect because it’s a tiny replica of what it is. The little car doesn’t work, the dog is made of metal, but the thimble, in theory, could ACTUALLY be used as a thimble.
The dog. I’m a little surprised at the popularity of the dog. I appreciate that it has its own locomotion. And it’s alive. The idea of owning a tiny metal dog is pretty appealing. But here’s the thing: Monopoly is a place where you can live out your bizarre economic fantasies. Owning hotels, creating a utilities giant. Going extremely broke and being hounded by your own family. The dog really doesn’t represent these fantasies because you could just buy the damn dog. How is that fun?
The battleship is awesome because you could blow up other pieces. And if I were to become a very rich man, I could see dropping a battleship on a huge car chassis and driving that shit down Baltic.
The top hat is at least something of richness, but I’ve heard some arguments about which way it goes, hole up or down. The answer is that it’s hole down. Hole up is for magicians.
So there were a few pieces ripe for replacement. What were the options?
Chopper, Ring, Robot, Kitty, Guitar.
The ring is obviously out. Why does that thing have a base on it? That just looks dumb. Plus, the “maybe someday that louse will buy me a ring like THIS” type of jokes would get real old.
The guitar is also a dud. Because you know what cool thing guitar players get? Guitars. If they get desperate, they can always play using a guitar pick. In fact, I strongly endorse the idea of bringing your own pieces to Monopoly. They better represent the people who are playing. If someone brought a guitar pick, you’d be well aware that this person is really into letting you know that he or she is really into guitars.
That leaves us Robot, Helicopter, and Cat.
Now, which two of these things were in awesome Transformers sequences?
Which two of these things do we all dream of owning?
Which two of these things do I mention every time I’m in traffic, either as an alternative form of transportation or as a way to clear the highway with mechanical rage?
Yeah, not the cat.
The internet is unhealthily obsessed with cats. And I have to say, it’s probably because the internet is the appropriate place for them. The internet does not smell or get leukemia or make almost human-like cries in the night that always confuse me as to whether they’re looking to fuck or fight.
Pete is disappointed. Not that I ever plan to play Monopoly again. Playing Monopoly makes me feel like a kid from a 90’s movie. I just want to sit around with headphones and a bad attitude and say Whatever all the time. Nevertheless, I would have had at least a brief moment of excitement to check out a sweet new robot. I may have even considered playing for the sole reason of getting an opportunity to steal the helicopter. Um, if the sweet car is missing from your Monopoly set and we’ve played Monopoly before, I just want you to know that I’m staging a very important rally race of sorts that involves a couple dozen Monopoly cars and a lot of nights alone.
So alone.