I open the door of the work bathroom, and the first thing that hits me is a wall of stink. I’m thinking, holy shit, who died in here? But then I see him, still sitting on the toilet, eating cough drops. I don’t know why he forgot to lock the door, but of all the times, this would be the worst.
I’m telling everyone.
After he said my name five times in the mirror, he went to bed. I went in there to kill him with my hook hand, but after he saw me he just rolled over and faced the wall, like as long as he didn’t look at me nothing bad would happen. Then I think he started crying. Went out like a little bitch, man.
I don’t know what happened, but somehow the time machine, instead of sending the whole person back, sent only his consciousness back through time and into his sixth grade body. Through the time portal I can see him trying to convince people he’s from the future, but sending him back through changed time just enough that most major world events are slightly different or happen on different days. It looks like he’s just going to have to live through a few years a second time. Hopefully all the knowledge he remembers will be helpful in recreating his booklet on the solar system with references that include “scholarly” journals that also thought Pluto was a real thing.
Can you believe he still hasn’t caught on? I guess you can because you, of course, already know. But how is it that the one child born without the ability to read minds hasn’t caught on to the fact that every single other person can, and that we’ve seen every one of his (primarily horrible) thoughts?
In all my one summers lifeguarding, I’ve never seen anything like it. A man burning with real flames underneath the water while he drowns, it was like a miracle. It must have been pretty shitty for him. But his suffering couldn’t have lasted more than fifteen minutes, and the images will make really good album covers for the Limp Bizkit comeback record.