Pre-Wedding Photos:
Instead of taking multiple photos with a bunch of idiots immediately before the wedding, I’ll just go ahead and consider EVERY PHOTO FROM MY LIFE UP TO THIS POINT a pre-wedding photo. They will be placed behind flowery mattes.
Guests:
Funny thing about guests. Fuck ’em.
Parade:
Now that families no longer take traditional forms, the whole thing where the parents give away the kids isn’t so smooth and feels, frankly, a little…well, like trading land for a wife or something. So, instead, we’ll come out from “backstage” to save all that walking.
Service:
This would be a great time to hear what the Bible says about marriage. I’ll sum it up here so that we can save some time and the potential embarrassment of hiring a boyfucker.
Bible on Marriage: Yes.
Vows:
Lots of people write their own vows. I think that most of my vows are covered in sections 34ii-48ix of the prenup.
Kiss:
I really hate that part. Nobody ever criticizes the kissing ability. It’s either passionate, which people woot for, or it’s proper, which people enjoy for its properness. That is why I will not kiss my bride until the wedding, at which point she will receive the sloppiest, toungiest kiss, a moment which will be the first of many “Oh fuck, what have I done?” moments in her marriage.
Throwing the Bouquet:
Uh, those flowers were expensive. We’ll be keeping those rather than, what is in essence, throwing a wad of cash into a crowd based on superstition.
Reception:
Instead of paying the DJ for a couple hours of pushing buttons on a laptop, I will instead pay him for three minutes which he will use to run into the room while wearing an official-looking jumpsuit and announce that the room has a natural gas leak. No dancing? Shoot.
Driving Away:
The level of drunkenness on my part will prevent me from driving us away. The cabbie and I will argue about tying cans to the back bumper, which will result in the compromise of me holding the cans in my hands while we drive.
Honeymoon Night:
aka official unrolling of the scroll listing all the diseases that I have for sure, plus all that I thought I might have at one point based on online searches for “roundish, red dots with black in the center.”