“If you win this item, you’ll be able to inflict on your opponent the requirement that they call their significant other on the phone and, while they are cooking, break up with and/or ask them for a divorce. The chef who has to make this call cannot end the phone call, it must be ended by the person on the other end.”
“If you win this auction, you will be able to inflict on your opponent the requirement that their food be brought to the judge by a naked model who will pass the judge a secret note that says, ‘Help me, I’m a prisoner here against my own will.'”
“I call this the wall of words. If you win this, you will be able to take these four racial slurs, keep one for yourself and pass the other three out to your opponents. You will then have to use whatever slur you receive in the name of your dish.”
“If you win this auction, all of your opponents will have to wear these enormous, erect, 15-inch strapons with vibrating action during the entire time they are cooking.”
“What you see here is a basket of edible lubricants. If you win this auction, one of your opponents will have to replace ALL of their sauces with these.”
“Because this is the bacon challenge, what we have here is a pair of scissors. If you win these scissors, I will use them to go up to an opponent of your choice and cut the nipples out of his or her garments. Have fun cooking bacon with your nips out.”
“What we have here is a normal television queued up to the last 5 minutes of the motion picture The Iron Giant. The winner of this can force an opponent to stop cooking, watch this heartbreaking moment, and then when it’s over, try to put their life back together and start cooking again. Ha, ha, good luck with that.”