There are Facebook updates, and then there are Facebook updates. Maybe for some of you who have very few Facebook friends, the number and variation of updates is not so important. But for someone like me, someone who is very important, has lots of friends, and has no standards of quality or even knowing a person to approve their friendship, I’m a little tired of the nonsense.
Keep your eyes out for these types of updates, and if you see them, please tell these people that they are doing Facebook wrong and that maybe Myspace is a better place for their kind.
The “Ask me about my life” post.
Example: “Another shitty night. I thought this guy would be different.”
Hey sharer, how about instead of just writing the teaser, the back of the flap to your novel of a tale, you just tell me what the fuck is going on? Nothing makes a story shittier than having to ask to hear it a hundred times. And if someone asks, it only increases the level of disappointment when they see it’s a piece of shit.
Do you have any idea how much shit is going on with this Facebook? There are albums and albums of Halloween pictures still to be gone through. There are Video tabs. There are Events that nobody attends. If you don’t have time to tell me your shit, I’m scrolling right down because SOMEBODY out there is sure to have taken a slutty picture over the weekend.
The Repost This Post Post
Example: “If you have an awesome Step-Grandpa with Lou Gherig’s Disease, Repost This As Your Status for Today.”
This kind of post is really annoying and stupid. I guess maybe it’s better than people who aren’t funny trying really hard to be funny, but it’s really self-righteous and lazy.
If you really give a fuck about your step-grandpa, call him on the fucking phone or send him an apple or a whittling knife or whatever old men like to play around with on porches. Maybe you like the dude, but hitting COPY+PASTE on your computer is not exactly a strong expression of any sort of conviction or emotion.
Also, don’t try to bully me into posting goody-goody shit. As I said above, it doesn’t make you a good person, and so I’ll just stick to my posts about nothing.
OOHHH, and I HATE when people talk about raising awareness. I’m fucking aware of most of this shit. I’m goddamn aware of breast cancer. I can’t buy a bag of fucking bagels without being reminded with a stupid pink bow about a disease that is almost statistically impossible for me to get. If you have something new, like a disease that turns my legs into smoke and my hands fall off and are replaced by volcanoes, that’s some shit that you should be making me aware of. But otherwise, leave that shit to the Today show.
The Share the Love of Jesus Post
Example: “I felt the Lord shining on me today!:)”
Hey, that guy has his own place. It’s not my fault that he’s old school and still believes in physical buildings instead of online environments. Seriously, why can’t church just happen on Ustream? The guy with that white collar could just do it from his shitty basement where he lives and would get in more trouble for having a wife than fucking boys. Only place on earth where that’s the case, by the way, that church basement vortex of no rules.
I’m just saying, I’ll find the dude when I figure out whatever disease is killing me the quickest and I decide it’s time to hedge my bets on this hell thing.
The Mundane Personal Info Post
Example: “Banana bread!”
Example: “Soooo tired.”
Example: “Love my wife.”
Example: “Snow.”
Lots has been said about this already, so I’m not going to waste too much time on it. But you do realize that you don’t have to post something every day, right? If you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing.
Try to be the Calvin and Hobbes of posts, funny and simple without trying too hard, and quit while you’re ahead.
Do not be the Garfield of posts, posting every day regardless of the loss of passion for the project three years in but because you got fucking units to move, man.
The Song Lyric Post
Example: “I don’t want no scrubs…”
You know what makes a song good? The audio experience of hearing a beat and melody and on-key singing (pre-1999) or electronic alteration to create a sort of robot version of on-key singing (since).
If you type out the words to most songs, they kind of suck. For example, Might sound crazy but it ain’t no lie, bye, bye, bye.
Thank you, Walt Whitman. Fuck that shit.
I know that the song seems very special and isn’t it amazing that it applies to you at this exact moment, but trust me, that’s what every other idiot with an iPod is thinking. Unless it’s your mom on the bass singing about raising you or some shit, nobody was thinking about you when they wrote that song and whoever wrote it doesn’t care if you die by coming to a sudden stop in your car and their CD goes flying from the back seat and decapitates you.
Let Lil Wayne post Lil Wayne lyrics.
The My Kids Are Doing This Post
Example: “Alize said her first word!”
Hey, great.
I say about 50,000 words an hour, but I guess if a kid says one, and it’s not even on tape let alone filmed with good lighting in HD, I should be excited.
First off, thank Christ my mom didn’t have Facebook. It would be fucking humiliating to go back and see all my shitty baby accomplishments chronicled online. You know where that stuff belongs? In a crappy book with clips of human hair and terrible crayon drawings you did when you didn’t even have the dexterity to hold a writing utensil properly. You know why it belongs there? Because, unlike an online environment, you can throw a book in a box and then leave it in the basement until it’s ruined by a burst pipe or some distant relative finds it and doesn’t care enough about you to put it in a plastic bag and take it home.