Dearest Worshippers,
Well, it’s clear now that I won’t be names pope. Ain’t that a bitch?
Haha, but seriously, all in all, I think we had a great campaign. Thanks to everyone who went door-to-door and passed out literature. And by “literature” I mean a little book called THE BIBLE. You heard of it? Haha, again, kidding here. Of course you have. Even that guy who hats us…that Richard Darwin guy? Gnome something? Anyway, even those guys have heard of the Bible.
Do you think people read hotel Bibles on the crapper just because they forgot to bring other stuff to read? That never even occurred to me.
But that’s just one of many oversights that has resulted in my losing my campaign for Pope. Sure, you could say that knowing almost nothing of the Bible may have handicapped the campaign. And yes, maybe being non-religious also retarded-ed the campaign. And of course there will always be naysayers who try to convince you that in order to be Pope you can’t have sex with anyone who stumbles in your doorway high on nitrous on a Tuesday’s eve.
Well to those people, I say Look at your Past Pope Lineup! Some okay guys, sure. But where’s this badass apocalypse we’ve been promising for so long? How many times are we going to elect some old man with a penchant for pointy hats before we start trying some new tactics.
How about space? How come the nation of Christianity hasn’t launched anything at the sun yet? What the hell, guys? Maybe it’ll do something. Maybe not. Who knows? Who cares?
Or how about some kind of earthquake machine? That works great in about 75% of the movies, which is a high percentage when we’re talking about cinema.
I’m getting off track. The point is that we lost, and now it’s time to decide where to go next. The next logical step is to be Dr. Doom, a man living in a weird castle with his own personal robot guards.
Raise your glasses, and let’s toast these cups of young boys’ urine, as is the traditional drink of Christian togetherness, and let’s say something good about our future. And Jesus. Throw him in there too.