The Princess Bride
Summary: Some kid is a real asshole to his grandpa, to the grandpa tells the kid a story that involves a very obnoxious prince. Also, “Mawwige.”
Why I Don’t Need to See It: I’m pretty sure that if I cobbled together all the times people have quoted this movie, I could reassemble the entire thing, word for word.
The Goonies
Summary: Smart Asian Kid, Fat Kid, and co. find treasure and a gigantic retarded man in a cave.
Why I Don’t Need to See It: Clips of topless kids dancing around belong only as “Exhibit A” in really sad court cases.
The Godfather II
Summary: Guys in suits eating pasta with occasional interruptions of graphic violence.
Why I Don’t Need to See It: I already saw part I, which is way more than enough time for watching a movie with themes of “respect,” “family,” and “hair product.”
Rudy
Summary: Rudy, the littlest football player, doesn’t get to play football, and then he does.
Why I Don’t Need to See It: It parallels too closely my own life as I also find playing in sporting events to be a very important and inspirational thing to do to myself.