Okay, I don’t know how this happened. But we didn’t quite finish up Chapter 4 last time. So we’re going to wrap up chapter 4 and chapter 5 here.
Chapter 4’s entire purpose is to remind us that Myrracle, the sister of our main character, Tookie, is awesome, and secondarily it reminds us that Tookie sucks.
To that end, we make sure to let you know that Myrracle has won some pageant eight times in a row, and nobody else even enters anymore because Myrracle is such a pageant badass. Myrracle also takes lessons on walking, posing, facial expressions, pouting, and phonics. Phonics. Because our pageants and models are well-known for their knowledge of phonics.
Although, when you get down to it, Myrracle is a complete idiot when it comes to words, but at least she’s doing something about it. Sure, she calls a “period” a “periodical”, but you know what? Enrolling in phonics classes is an acknowledgement that she’s got a (hilarious) problem.
Which is why I’m starting to prefer Myrracle to the whiny Tookie. I don’t think I’m supposed to as a reader, but I really do. Myrracle is gifted, but jesus, at least she’s taking some classes and shit. She and Tookie both want to go to Modelland, and I can’t help but notice that one of them is doing SOME work towards that goal while the other is…
Hey, wait a second. We’re up to about chapter 5, and so far Tookie hasn’t DONE anything. She’s been in places, like school and with her friend. But holy shit, so far she hasn’t actually done anything. She hasn’t even gotten her period! Which, I gather, is a sore spot between Tookie and Myrracle because Myrracle has blossomed into the ripe fruit of her womanhood (the blood orange of womanhood, if you will) while Tookie hasn’t. Or, to put it simply, Myrracle has a period, Tookie doesn’t. Which Tookie feels is very cosmically unfair as she’s two years older.
Reading this as a dude, I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is meaningful. I get that it probably is. Maybe it’s just weird because there’s no real male equivalent. What’s the equivalent? First boner? You have your first boner young as hell. I know babies have boners. But when does the first actual boner happen? In the womb? I bet babies have boners in utero.
Yep. Confirmed. I took a quick trip to the Google, and babies in utero have boners. Enjoy, expecting mothers! Remind me again about the glorious miracle of life sometime, and don’t forget to include all the boners when you do so.
By the way, one article with info on unborn boners was “7 Amazing Things Babies Do In The Womb.” I tried to look at the other 6 things amazing enough to share article space with unborners, but it was one of those stupid-ass articles designed as a slideshow where you had to load a whole page for every item, something to which I’m morally opposed. Besides, what’s going to be better than unborn boners? I would love to see one of those anti-abortion billboards with that on it. “I had a heartbeat when I was two seconds old. And we all know what follows a heartbeat. That’s right, a ragin’ dick! So please, don’t mash me up before I get the chance to put this boner to use.”
Anyway, Tookie, like a Judy Blume character, is really looking forward to her period, I guess. Will she get it? Golly, I hope not. Nothing against Tookie, but reading Tyra’s descriptions of periods…I don’t think there’s a cotton wad absorbent enough to suck up all the feels. And the last thing I need is to just get confused on the topic. I can’t imagine Tyra writing about a period in this book without, I don’t know, some kind of rhyming, cotton-y gadget that’s used in lieu of a tampon, or maybe a party of sorts that doesn’t make sense and just makes it take longer for us to get to Modelland.
Let it be known, I’m not at all opposed to reading stuff about periods or discussing them, and it’s not something that grosses me out. What I’m opposed to is reading TYRA’S take on it, which is mainly due to me being opposed to reading her take on just about anything at this point.
And with the topic of periods thoroughly flushed out, on to chapter 5 and Chris-Creme-Crobat.
Yeah. Chris-Creme-Crobat, Tookie’s father. Or at least that’s how he was known his circus glory days.
Yes, we finally get the story of Chris’ eye-gouging. Finally, the part I’ve been waiting for.
Here’s how it went down.
Chris was a famous tightrope walker. You know all those famous, rich tightrope walkers who were deeply respected by society? The sort of thing people get really excited about in the age of television? He was one of those.
The De-La-Cremes were at the circus. Tookie and her mother in the crowd. Chris, the dad, was doing some kind of highwire act(?) It’s hard to say what exactly he was doing, but he was definitely screwing around on a thin wire of some kind? Listen, the important thing is that Chris is 7 stories up and doing something dangerous, and down below the entire circus ring is lined with swords pointed straight up.
I googled quite a bit to find out whether a 7-story fall is fatal on its own, without swords. But, of course, the internet is no help. You can fall from a chair and die, or you could fall out of a goddamn airplane and survive somehow.
This is the sort of thing where I feel like science has failed me. Shouldn’t there be a height after which we can say a person is most certainly doomed? And a height where, most times, a person will survive?
There was one discussion board where someone happened to be writing a novel and wanted someone to fall and die. Which I bring up because another poster said “Just have the person fall, get up for a second, then blood comes out of his ear and he falls over dead. I’d believe it.”
I just hope that novel gets written and turned into a Nicholas Cage movie. I hope that more than I hope for the health of my firstborn child. I wanna see that shit.
Okay, back to Modelland.
While Chris is wow-ing the crowd, Creamy, Tookie’s mom, decides to apply some makeup to her face. When she’s got her mirror out, she accidentally reflects a stray beam of light into Chris’ eye.
As would be the case with any trained performer, the light causes Chris to fall immediately. The guy can walk on a highwire, but a beam of light? What is he, God or something? No man can overcome the sheer force of something that’s fairly bright or brighter. I know that whenever the sun reflects off something when I’m in the car, I just spin the wheel like crazy and hope for the best. Because what other options are there?
Chris falls seven stories.
A lesser performer would have died on impact. But Chris ain’t no lesser performer. He lands “on his upper back” and then somehow tumbles to his feet, totally fine.
It’s an interesting take on the art of tumbling. I kind of thought, generally, landing on your back wouldn’t be preferred. But then again, I’m only the world’s eighth best circus performer, so you should just ignore what I say. I would probably be killed by that fall, so I KNOW NOTHING.
Chris is fine. Sigh of relief. And ever the showman, he takes a bow, and then another, and on one of his many bows, he bows his eye right into one of the swords that line the circus ring.
Let me just reiterate what happened here. A man fell seven stories and survived due to sheer athleticism, and while he was taking kudos for that inhuman act of incredibleness, he then leaned his own eye into a stationary sword.
Meanwhile, Creamy knows that she shined a light in Chris’ eyes, and she tells Tookie to keep her mouth shut about it. So somehow Creamy knows that her weird act of vanity caused her husband to lose his eye. I mean, sort of.
It’s this super-clumsy thing. I think I know what Tyra’s trying to do here. To show us how selfish and shitty Creamy is, and to kind of have Tookie keeping this secret with her mom. But it’s a stupid secret, and it’s the clumsiest way ever to do it. I mean, come on. Even if we were prepared to believe that a light in the eyes was the downfall of Ol’ Chris, it wasn’t until he was on the ground that he bowed and lost his own stupid eye. And also, if you’re a circus performer and a light in the eyes makes you fall, is that really someone else’s fault or are you kinda shitty at your job?
Think about it. What if Tookie told her dad?
Tookie: Dad, it was mom’s mirror that shined that light in your eyes and made you fall?
Dad: WHAT!? When I lost my eye? Why I oughta…oh, wait. The fall was fine. I just bent over and put my eye on a sword. Haha, boy, what a maroon, huh?
It’s like a very retarded O. Henry story or something.
Anyway, the guy loses an eye, and that means he can’t walk a tightrope anymore, and it means Tookie’s mom isn’t attracted to her husband anymore, and he turns into a worthless drunk in that way you see worthless drunks portrayed, which is there is a bottle in his hands sometimes, and sometimes he drinks from it.
End of chapter 5.
This is one of my favorite sequences in the book. It’s just, there are just so many things happening. Oftentimes you’ll find a book where not much happens. In this chapter, a bunch of shit happens. Granted, it’s all backstory that amounts to “This is why Tookie’s dad is worthless,” but there’s about five times as much story here as their needs to be. This has to be the most overwritten, overexplained book in the history of anything, ever.
This is Modelland, people. Answering all the questions nobody asked.