Hi, I’m Michael Haggar. But you can call me Mike. Or just Haggar.
A lot of you probably recognize me from a lot of different places. Some probably know me best from my pro wrestling days when I got my work done on the mat. Others probably know me better as the mayor of Metro City, where I got my work done on the streets.
Being the mayor of Metro City taught me a lot.
During the election, I promised to clean up Metro City. I had plans, ideas. Getting people back into the workforce, creating incentives to bring business back to Uptown, and funneling as much money as possible back into the city’s ailing schools were just a few of my top priorities.
As you probably know, the Mad Gear gang, the most notorious and dominant gang in Metro City, kidnapped my beloved daughter Jessica and planned to use her as a bargaining chip in their continued game of poker they were playing with Metro City. Instead of chips, however, they were gambling with people’s lives. Instead of slot machines, they were using knives, guns, and sticks of dynamite here and there to maintain their monopoly. Instead of making gambling a fun, voluntary, adult experience, they were shoving dice into people’s hands and forcing them to roll.
I kept my promise to clean up Metro City. Maybe my methods were a little unorthodox. Maybe tearing off my shirt and punching my way through the slums was not the best way to reform a city. Maybe piledriving Edi E., our corrupt police chief, wasn’t the wisest move.
I’ve wrestled with a lot of things in my various careers. Something I’ll always wrestle with is whether I did the right thing on the dark day.
What’s important, however, is the man I am today, the man standing before you, still shirtless, still eating turkey legs out of the garbage for energy, and ready to take on America’s biggest challenge.
I ask you this. Has Barack Obama ever entered a subway car full of thugs, ready to do what’s right no matter the cost? No. No he has not. Mr. Obama has never even entered a Subway sandwich restaurant with the guts to eat a toasted sub.
And I ask you this. Have you ever hear of Mitt Romney battling a man with twin kitanas because he believed in something that much? Single kitana? Smallish kitchen knife? Again, I’m afraid the answer is a resounding No.
So understand. I’m a third-party candidate. I get that. My political platform is fairly nebulous. I understand that as well. But when it comes time to kick ass, I’m here for you America. Me and Cody. And sometimes this other dude named Guy.
