Mr. Popper’s Penguins:
Watch Jim Carrey ruin childhood idol number 3 (#1: The Grinch, #2: his portrayal of Corky in Dumb and Dumber)? No thanks.
Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer:
On the plus, we have none other than Jaleel White. Steve Urkel! On the minus, I can’t imagine caring about the level of enjoyment a kid has for a summer, whether it be the height of going to summer camp and meeting the love of your young life, or the low of doing the same thing but meeting instead a janitor named Cliff who is less the love of your life than you are of his.
Midnight in Paris:
Great. An overrated time of day in an overrated city. What is it with Paris, by the way? If I want to be hated by a group of people, I’ll just go to a concert unshowered.
Super 8:
Unless a much higher percent of these kids are murdered than I suspect, it’s a tough sell for me.
The Hangover Part II/Bridesmaids:
Have you noticed that these movies go off the premise that the most irresponsible moment of your life should probably come immediately before what is supposed to be one of the most responsible moments of your life? Like you can somehow get it out of your system? I call poor planning on that. See: Pizza, internet nudity, and the music of Queen.
Kung Fu Panda 2:
You know what I hate? When you hear someone say, “I really wanted to make this movie for my kid, so he knows it’s okay to be different.” Fuck off. Make your own stupid movie at home for that little chub. Besides, if I’m not mistaken, doesn’t Kung Fu Panda do Kung Fu, which means he doesn’t get made fun of because he can beat the shit out of people?
Pirates of the Caribbean: Stranger Tides
It blows my fucking mind that this even exists. A 15 minute ride about being in the dark and watching pirates play grabass has spawned 599 minutes of film.