Did you know that you, YOU, can buy a machete at Wal-Mart for $9.84? And did you know that a giant scissors is just two machetes bolted together, if you think about it? And did you know you can just BUY gold spray paint, and the good news is when you buy it you can also paint other stuff in your apartment. I’m like fucking King Midas at home now. Everything I spray turns to gold. I wear gold sneakers and gold pants. My silverware? GOLDware now! I was in the middle of spraying my shower curtain when I passed out and hit my head on the tub. It opened up a pretty good gash on my forehead, but that’s okay because I have band-aids and all the paint I needed to spray them gold.
Also, I looked to see if the word chintzy is racist. It turns out that it’s not. Which is good for me because I get that little thrill of saying a bad word even when I’m not. Hopefully knowing it’s not a bad word won’t ruin it for me.