I haven’t gotten any requests for cutting open ribbons to make places open. So I decided to put myself out there, like with dating except in this case something ends up cut in half. Which I guess also happens on the worst kind of dates with very weird people you shouldn’t talk to.
Here’s the ad I put up on Craigslist.
Need To Open You Up W/ Machete!
Hi. I’m Librarian of the Year. And I have two machetes that are scissors. They shine with the power of gold, and I can use them to open your mall, your service station, your five and dime. Any sort of business you might want to open, no matter how dumb because you will never last if you’re a five and dime. I’ll cut the ribbon for the grand opening. Always discreet 😉