Dear Christians,
I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. I was in a coffee shop the other day and there was a bizarre homeless woman there. I guess I don’t know that she didn’t have a home, but what she did have was scraggly gray hair, a lot of things that she felt needed mumbling under her breath, a smell that could close a gym locker room for complete stripping and refurbishing, and she had a Bible.
Folks, here’s the problem: I shouldn’t be reminded of you all by the presence of a homeless woman who is being asked delicately to please get the fuck out of the coffee shop instead of sitting at a table across from another man and staring directly into his eyes while he tries to work on his computer. So, Christians, I am going to offer you some free marketing advice today. Please take it to heart.
1: Let’s get the homeless doing something else.
Seriously, you’re attracting a bad crowd. Much like a white boxer who inadvertantly becomes a hero to white suprecemists, Jesus has become a champion of people who maybe should be looking elsewhere. The words “God Bless” have probably been written on cardboard more than they have been uttered by the last three Popes.
My suggestion, rather than trying to oust the homeless (which anyone who works in an urban storefront with an open bathroom knows is impossible) you should be trying to redirect them. My suggestion would be to try and get the homeless involved with professional athletics. I, for one, would much rather watch the Denver Hobos take on the Seattle Switchyarders in ANY sport rather than watch good athletes. Plus, then we hit two birds with one stone in that we no longer have idiots thanking god for helping them move a ball from one spot on earth to another.
2. Let’s get this cross thing straightened out.
People have taken your logo and gone nuts with it. You don’t see this happening to McDonald’s. They are brand conscious, and you should be too.
For starters, let’s get a standard size on these crosses. Or a ratio, so much width on the crossbar by so much length on the vertical part. No more of this bullshit. No more vampire movies where some pale dude gets stabbed by the symbol of your religion. Believe me, if someone killed another person with a giant Arby’s sign, Arby’s isn’t just going to let that shit go.
Secondly, when a cross is worn on a chain, the bottom edge must fall no closer than 5 inches from cleavage. Seriously, your symbol is in direct competition with boobs. I’m not saying there are a lot of hard facts on this one, but most logos that go head-to-head with cleavage are going to lose. Plus, it’s a little off message to see a cross basically used as an arrow to point to a place where a peen could go.
Third, let’s try and get a reign on these fellows who are getting the gigantic shoudler tattoos of crosses. Those look like shit. Plus, once they are wearing their logo, they are representing you. And I think the last people you want representing you are the Shitty Kyles and Weasel-Faced Brocks of the world.
Finally, let’s get a standard color on that cross. And gold is not acceptable. Jesus was not stapled onto a gold cross. That’s more like something Prince would do.
3. Explode the Claritin Factories.
I know, it’s crazy. But the best guerrilla marketing you’ve got going right now is the sheer number of times someone says, God Bless You after a sneeze. Believe me, Coke would kill to have people saying, “Always Coca-Cola” after every time someone sneezed.