A lot of you probably made New Year’s Resolutions. And you did them wrong.
Think about it, if you weren’t an idiot you wouldn’t be in this trouble in the first place. How can you, as someone who let yourself get this lazy/stupid/fat/boring/dumb/real dumb possibly come up with a solution? And if you did come up with a solution, how good could it possibly be?
That’s why I’m offering my services as a Resolution Counselor in the new year.
2011 is going to be a very big year for many of us. Lots of us will be very rich soon. Lots of you will probably be in car accidents and have chronic back pain that may or may not be an excuse to get painkillers. Lots of us will find love and adventure. Lots of you will find our tales of love and adventure mildly amusing and an escape from your horrible, shitty life.
But it doesn’t have to be that way! You can be one of us. You can. You’re just doing it wrong right now. Let me help.
Whatever your problem might be, tell me. Send me email (helpfulsnowman and that’s a gmail), send me Facebook messages (facebook.com/helpfulsnowman), send me tweets (twitter.com/helpfulsnowman), give me fucking money (my hand), or just comment on this post. Tell me about your shitty resolutions, or tell me your problems and I can start from scratch.
Remember, don’t be one of the shitties out there ruining my life a little by burning my things at Quizno’s or asking me to pick up trash that falls out of my car in front of your house. Be one of the cools who is hanging out with me, burning down an entire Quizno’s building and throwing bags of garbage at a horse off the side of the road.