This last week I went to a wedding where I was exposed to a tradition. I was not aware that any dope in the room could bang on a glass, forcing the bride and groom to kiss. Which makes sense to do, seeing as you bankrolled this gigantic party for all these people. It’s only fair they force you to kiss. KISS. KISS FOR OUR AMUSEMENT.
I decided to look into more wedding traditions so as to not be caught off-guard again.
Here, for your pleasure, are some lesser-known wedding traditions.
-Every time the groom weeps, it is traditional for the men in the audience to mentally catalogue it for the next time the guy tries to be tough.
-It is common practice for the wedding photographer to boss everyone around, and rather than recording the event in progress he will attempt to create a separate, on-film wedding in order to fill an album, which will traditionally be thrown away immediately when the grandkids come to do that thing where they clean out grandma’s chest of old nonsense.
-It is traditional to not get a boner in suit pants, regardless of one’s role in the proceedings. Trust me on this one.
-It is traditional to be stuck behind a very small child at the buffet line. And for some reason, their tiny hands are not at all dextrous or quick. Have a nice wait while the soup skins over.
-If you are wearing comfortable shoes, it is traditional to put a small pin in one heel in order to share the discomfort with the rest of the group.
-It is traditional that a DJ wear a three-piece suit, minus the jacket, so that he’s wearing a vest and possibly a bowtie. This is his way of saying, Don’t worry, your aunt won’t sleep with me.